it's been a long time coming!
5 years ago today my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. she developed a cyst in her abdomen that began to grow rapidly. they scheduled surgery after a blood test also revealed high levels of a cancer-indicator chemical. by the time of surgery, her cyst had grown to the size of a volleyball...we were all completely shocked...and horrified.
following her surgery, there was a horrible night. turns out there is a family over-reaction to morphine where they sink so deep into rest that they stop breathing. people spent the night trying to pull her out of that while also trying to regulate pain.
then came the port into her aorta, the chemo, the nausea, the anxiety, the loss of hair...
it was hell.
i will never forget that moment in a cramped little conference room when the surgeon came in to explain the situation. lots of family and friends were squished in with us. but when the words came out...oh man, everything just came crashing down. so many consonants and vowels and percentages were floating in the air. it was hard to breath.
and then we just started to cry. it was the only thing we could do...
i was thinking though. that time was the beginning of my undoing...in a bad and then really good way. i absolutely couldn't handle the notion of losing my mom. i was trapped in the job from hell, having to spin all those plates...and then to have to somehow wrap my heart around the cancer question mark...i completely blew up. because i had no idea where to go for support...and couldn't see god in it...i went into major hiding inside...started doing all kinds of things that were painful and wrong. but...as wonderful a god as he is, it was also the start of my walk towards real life.
sometimes you have to explode so you can rebuild...
so, today is 5 years for my mommy...well, all of us...20/20 hindsight shows god's fingerprints all over the place, and i'm so thankful.
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