Tuesday, June 30, 2009
i hate 'goodbye'.
my precious niece left for a grand adventure yesterday. it'd be easier if she wasn't still 7-yrs-old in my head, but regardless this blossom took a bound out of the nest.
ya, that sucks.
(don't worry, debbie. we'll shove her right back in the nest when she returns...hehe.)
the thing i feel better about is that she's got my kiss in her locket. phewwwww!!
the other 'goodbye' was to my boss. today was his last day. so many feelings there...overwhelmed, sad, happy for him...
ya, i hate 'goodbye'.
what a freaking crazy week!!! i'm going to need a sunrise in duluth very soon!!
Monday, June 29, 2009
here's the thing. i'm ticked off right now. at people, at god. i'm tired of all the using. i'm tired of the assuming. i'm done with status quo and the "ruts" that i used to love. i'm over the need to dwell in someone else's tent just to feel secure. i could care less about measuring up to the necessary appearances. i want..."new" and "more"...NOW!
i want to have more of the people who genuinely want to know each other and become and journey together. i'm tired of the posers that think they are doing that very thing. i'm tired of being used for agendas and pushed around by selfish motives and ignorance. i'm tired of being a clean-up crew member. i'm tired of being wasted.
and you are thinking..."hmm, what's going on at work?"...this is bigger than that. i'm looking at life.
i want a man. i'm frankly frickin' tired of waiting! the only problem is that i don't want just any man. i want a 'wild at heart' man. i want a man that loves god so much that it makes him a better lover and partner and adventurer and challenger. i want to be that too. but my gosh...men today! so, so, so many are lost in their own passivity that they seriously live in a selfish world full of little pleasures to numb their sorry choice to simply exist rather than truly live. no sooner do i say that than remember that i need to be in that intentional journey myself. but really...is it even possible to find such a man? not a perfect man...just a heart-alive one. they are definitely out there...i've even met a few. but am i just doomed to a life of desiring him but never being found by him?
the kicker in it is that i really have been stepping out of my shell in many respects. there's no living in the fear box that has held me for most of my life. i'm finding life and gifts and courage... and i think god has allowed those things to be used for good which has been such a delightful journey.
and god...well, i love him so much, and i see him and feel him much of the time. he continues to tell me to keep holding on...but...ok, i'm tired of that!!!! does his notion of holding on mean decades??? i'm starting to wonder what his problem is...
and then it dawns on me...
is HE just using me too?? is he teasing me with "life" so that i'll just do his deal and never receive the desires of my heart? i know that's selfish to say as he's the giver of life and is good and all...but seriously, i guess i'm just wanting to ask the question.
i've been used by people. i've been used by men. as such, it's unbelieveably difficult for me to crack open my heart to trust. i really work so hard to keep holding on to the freedom that's been given to me, to not go back into the shadows... but man, it's hard when more than not i still find out that the other shoe has dropped and it was just another episode of "usury 101".
sooooo, what am i saying exactly??? i have no clue! all i know is that i want more...i want some change...and i'm wondering if the man upstairs is listening.
i know that my wrestling will produce life...i know that i'm going to learn so much more about god, about me, about more freedom...i just really have some desires in my heart, and i hope that he's not given them to me just to suffer with them...i don't think i can do it.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
well, i'm just confused about some things. my priorities are changing, my passions are expanding a bit, my heart's desires are screaming...and i think it's helping me to feel very trapped.
i'm having major conversations with god about it all. definitely voicing some frustrations too, some fears, some concerns...
the dream i used to have for my life has passed. there's another "shoe" that i'd like to have fit someday.
is it selfish to ask? is it taboo to wonder if and wish that it could be different someday?
i so, so, so would love to be unleashed someday...
but i've been hoping for a while now...can i keep on plodding with my unrealized dreams? how long do i have to keep on waiting, practicing patience...? i'm just getting tired.
well, we had a family wedding last night. sweet little peter got hitched! ;) before the wedding started my "mysterious" uncle beckoned me over to where he was sitting. then began a conversation about how much he loves empire waists on dresses!!! hahaha! love it! and then he talked about how he used to always buy them for my aunt because he loved them so much!
ya, uncle mystery has a quirky side!!! we may just be kindred spirits!! :) adorable!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
i went for a walk last night in the rain. saw a little muskrat, then my favorite tree, wild flowers, a blue heron, a wood duck, a deer...and a double rainbow!! all that plus a great conversation.
god just has great timing for bringing peace to the soul. :)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
well, today was a surprise 80ish day, so it seemed like the perfect day for an installation. :)
i should mention that every year i experience an ac-induced swearing spree. i try to not let my mouth fly, but it just ends up slipping out. last year it was the combination of the heat/humidity and a board that wasn't square. BOOM...it just popped out...repeatedly. good thing it was my sister that heard it. she's quite forgiving...hehe.
this year, i was sure i had it down. i got a lower temp day, had my dad shave the board a bit so it'd fit better, and had everything all layed out. joy had to work, so my niece came over to hold the unit in place. i hauled it up from the garage...check. got it in the window...check. climbed up the ladder and screwed it in place...check. plugged it in, got it going and then it died. DIED!!!
but..i didn't swear. :)
my niece and i prayed for it...it actually started up again!!!...but then it died a minute later.
but...i didn't swear. :)
well, i had another unit in the garage that was a bit bigger, so i started all over. i prepped the place...removed the board, hauled out the dead unit, hauled up the new unit...almost dropped the unit...and swore!!! DANG IT!!! then i had to tweak some things to fit the unit in the wall. my nephew was able to trim the board a bit more to accomodate the larger size. rachel helped hold it in place while i climbed the ladder to screw in the revised board. i miss-screwed...and swore!!! DANG IT AGAIN!!! (poor rachel...hehe). and then it worked out...and hopefully the house will cool down soon.
so....it turned into a 2-vulgarity experience. while an improvement over previous years with numbers in the double digits...i'll still need to figure out a better method to vent the rage. ;)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
it's not cool to pick up your toys and go home anymore. that was fine for adolescence...but nowadays, challenge and frustration are as much opportunities to rise to the occasion as an all-out invite is.
so if something needs life breathed into it...be that. bring it...
don't bring the attitude, the chip on the shoulder, the pride...bring the life. encourage it, nurture it...be patient, grow your perseverance.
what the world doesn't need are quitters...they never make a difference... so let the wear-holes of your life be from your hands and feet as you "become the change..." instead of ones left by your arse because you "became the complaint..."
well, the other day they were talking about cookies. they shared that much of christianity in america has been aimed at teaching the 'recipe'...pushing the correct recipe...making the successful faith-walk about getting the recipe right. then they offered out the question...how many have really tasted the cookie (the real relationship with the godhead)? and what would happen if we actually made our lives about the 'cookie' as opposed to the 'recipe'?
i don't know...it was an interesting thought to me. the 'recipe' is important...but if it's at the expense of or in place of the 'cookie'...that we can taste and find that it is real and good (frickin' fantastic actually)...if we've missed that, have we also missed the whole point?
i'm into the real deal. give...me...cookie. ;)
Monday, June 22, 2009
first, there's the community of god. the father, son and holy spirit in a massive love party...an affair that goes so far as to hope beyond all hopes that you and i will join in. my heart and the godhead in an intimacy, a romance, an adventure beyond all that intellectual faith can hammer out in all the volumes of thought and reasoning.
i wonder how many of god's children really enjoy that intimate community of divine relationship...
second, there's the community of believers. those in the romance...called to life together. encouraging each other, challenging each other, being the strength in another's weakness...giving and receiving love together.
i wonder how many of god's children really enjoy that intimate community of fellowship...
third, there's the community worldwide. those whom we are called to love...that'd be everyone. being christ to any and all. jumping in to serve with hearts full of compassion...not judgment. loving people to life. seeing the fingerprints of god on every person...valuing simply because it's a privilege to...
ohhh how i wonder if, as american christians, we've so detached ourselves from this intimate community of worldwide compassion...
thing is...to me...ALL three are necessary for us. all three for healthy and abundant heart-lives...the life of the fully human soul?? hmm...look at jesus' life.
to do otherwise is to sell ourselves short. i think because of comfort we like to believe that we can do service without divine intimacy...or neglect life with brothers and sisters in christ because of a relationship with god...or have the intimacy of fellowship without expressing god's heart to the world. sooooo not true. the fullness of community means to be immersed in all three. our particular roles and responsibilities may vary, but his heart for us would be to dive into the broader, deeper way of living in community.
i wonder how i'm doing with that...
Friday, June 19, 2009
i'm tired of dishonest people who are allowed to get away with bad behavior over and over and over again. shouldn't there be an end to that kind of stepping on others to get ahead?? bail on commitment for the greener pastures...leaving so many to pick up the responsibility and the garbage. i've heard of life's consequences for such things...just kinda wondering where those are. right now, it seems the more unethical the better...it's seriously colossal.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
my sis said it once...has stuck with me since. she was describing a sad relationship situation. "oh, he loves her...he just loves his fear more right now." sadly, something that only the fearful one can choose to overcome...
interesting thought, isn't it?
not that we LOVE our fears...it's just that horrible things can feel secure...safe...because they are familiar and have been reliable at guarding (although poorly) our broken hearts. in an odd way, we sometimes choose those issues over an offer of real love.
and so things end.
the real kicker??...letting that person go to embrace their fear is a painful yet heroic act of love. how tragic and ironic. in the letting go, we unleash our hope that the love affair with fear will be able to come to a head and die, that life and freedom will be found, and that a return may happen someday.
wow...so sad. :(
and yet...i'm starting to wonder if there's not a whole something else going on...on another level...that we blindly miss. i mean think of it...god's words spoke stars and planets and chickens and light into existence. we even acknowledge that words can "cut like a knife".
i'm left to wonder if...
words are material things (you know...like a solid, liquid or gas). vowels and consanants of substance...as in "real". perhaps that's a little "new age" for some, but for me...i'm starting to wonder what it looks like to heap on the blessings of encouragement both directly and indirectly. what does that look like with spiritual eyes? is it honey for a soul traveling miles to the recipient? or how about negatives...in person or to an entirely different audience (boo for gossip)??? what does that look like?? is it like a poisonous slime that stings and burns in the unseen places of the heart??
wish me a 'farewell' as i head off into "loony-land" again...but i'm starting to think that there's a "matter" in words...
Monday, June 15, 2009
my uncle tim called me on saturday to do that very thing. he said that there was a patch of new tar...and that there was no "supervision" (i.e. the road crew was off for the day).
so, i got in my car...set my ipod for great music...opened the sunroof...and let her rip.
it was bliss.
oh ,the simple things...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
"i gotta feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good night". :) there are other references to just "letting go" and "diving in" to something that is...marvelous.
i know that they mean the party scene, but for this girl???...it's about jumping in to the greater party scene that's happening around us everyday...the god-party...the one that makes hearts come alive...that helps us to take off the false selves that we've worn for so long...an invitation to reallllllly get into it...and LIVE.
see 'cause every day i'm losing more and more control. and I LOVE IT!!! i've broken loose into being able to feeeeeeeeel. and that partnership with the truth my mind knows????...my heart experiences a living truth more and more.
the song is an odd pairing, i know. it's just that when i listen to it...how it builds and builds and then explodes...i want to scream out to god about how thankful i am for him...that he's not like religion says...that he's about so vastly much more than i ever dreamed...that i can even dream today because of him! it goes on and on... i just have the feeling that "tonight" (and the rest of my days) is good and moving even deeper and realer...because of him.
hehe...don't go watch the music video for it (i just included a live performance). although, if you want, it's the "life" that so many youth today think is "real". bummer...
there are some people in my life that, no matter how hard i try, will NEVER let me be nice to them. it's so weird. it's like their pride kicks in and assumes that my empathy for their pain is somehow suggesting a weakness. (which i would never suggest in the first place nor consider about them). IRRITATING!
and i realize that i too can be a classic pain in the pattooty in the very same regard.
so today i'm saying to myself and others...a resounding..."get over yourself!". let people love you apart from some sense of indictment. good gracious!!!
Friday, June 12, 2009
taking care of self...not necessary. at least, not as defiantly as i have chosen.
granted it's not an easy lesson for me to learn...i'm only recently becoming comfortable with my vulnerability. to me, weakness has always been unacceptable. independence first, you know?
well, lately god's been using some of those normal malfunctions and breakdowns to show me some other things. he's been opening my eyes to the notion that my unwillingness to be "weak" (in my eyes) and embrace my vulnerability is actually a part of not being able to receive love as fully as he's made me to.
it's the fear of dependence...even for help...that actually robs me from receiving love from others...and giving others the opportunity to love me.
causes a jaw-drop frankly...
so today my engine light came on AGAIN!!! the only hitch was that my parents (dad is always my rescuer) and my sis/bro-in-law weren't available. i actually had to consider calling people that could be outside of my safe zone.
i felt so awkward and like a major inconvenience...but apparently god thinks it's a great step!! :) i'm super trying to be on the same page of excitement as he is...hehe. turns out...this whole dependence on each other thing...his heart for each other in community...might not be such a bad deal.
OH...and my car??? turns out the psycho squirrel has been chewing my engine wires. little sh##...sorry! it's just that my heart for community so does NOT include the furry nut job. his days are soooooo numbered.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
expect nothing in return.
how cool to have our own soul drink from a fountain that makes those lesser reasons to love or not love unimportant. if your bucket is dipped in the right well...the outcomes, the "why's" become less and less significant. and somehow, those opportunities, great and small, become special. because of the soul's quenched thirst...a spilling happens. and to even have the privilege of being able to love more than i could the day before becomes a delightful dance with the divine.
makes it possible to love the dirtiest face, the coldest soul, the most broken heart.
what a fascinating thing!
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Love the ones who don't just because you can.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
God never said life would be easy.
He just promised it would be worth it.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
a great friend of mine got smacked in the heart by a critical/shaming comment the other day. it's been bugging me ever since. there's a little bit of fire in me that rises up when people i love get treated unjustly. i start to feel my temp rise...my eyesight goes red...my mouth starts forming words that it really, really , really wants to spew forth... in other words, it ain't pretty.
but it makes me wonder...do we really have to just take it when someone shoots their mouth off like that? especially when we know that the someone is probably critical because of wounding...
how long does someone's sad life get to be a good excuse for poor behavior???
as insensitive as that seems, how fair is it for those on the receiving end of that person's tyrades???
AND...is it truly fair to the offender to NOT set them straight?? good grief! i wonder how many people are blogging or thinking similar things behind the backs of "those who are allowed to verbally assault"....
i'm just saying...i wonder.
plus, maybe i'm looking for an excuse to let loose..."pedal 'crazy' somewhere else...we're all stocked up here."
so...i guess i'm just saying...if you start to hear "rumors" that i've gone a little whacked in the head, it's just that my crap cup runneth over and i'm addressing behavior off the clock. hehe.
i have no idea where this quote comes from in nietzsche's line up of thoughts, but i absolutely love it.
it also makes sense for a lot of what i feel from people sometimes.
not that i'm someone who has things "figured" out. no, not in the least. in fact, the older i get, the more i enjoy not knowing anything! hehe. it's just that some of the "freedoms" that i have grown to love and live in aren't always that welcomed by others. sometimes it's people caught up in religion. sometimes it's people caught up in their cause. sometimes it's people living in a rebellion of sorts. probably doesn't matter.
when i saw this, my heart got all gooshy and i was so...thankful. :)
sometimes i wish that kids (really any of us) could be more willing to see things other than the ways that we really think things are (or have to be). i'm an observer to one of those right now...and i'm literally watching a kid sabotage something he wants because he cannot stop and see it from any other perspective. it's so sad...and honestly, irritating...more because the openness to a bigger picture is totally closed off.
so he pushes and pushes and pushes...thinking that one of these times everyone will see it his way. when really what's happening, is that it's pushing and pushing and pushing people away.
i guess those are the "life lessons" that we all recall when we are "wiser". at least, i hope so...that we learn from our failures.
gosh, i hope so...or this one's in for a cycle of hurt.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
something that was interesting to me today was the self-centeredness of the girl. i've usually viewed that selfishness as just that...selfishness. and my attitude towards it has been a bit cold. kind of a 'suck it up. it's not about you' mentality. but today the picture of the selfishness felt a little more sad to me. oh the things we will do to care for the broken heart. even though it's hurtful to those around us and makes us into blackholes, selfishness makes a ton of sense in the moment...feels like someone is taking care of "me". not right at all...but in a deeper sense, such a sad compensation our flesh needs to make sometimes.
well, lately my dreams have been so bizarre. it's almost like he's been working some kinks out of my thinkings by putting the pictures in front of me. i've been so perplexed about the grand point to it all.
today it finally all clicked together.
i had one of the sweetest dreams that i've ever had, and it ended with a "this is why...".
it was wonderful.
i know that i'll continue to have questions along the way here...that'll i'll get frustrated at times...that i'll wrestle with his timing...but to have that experience has made me much more peaceful and resolved.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
to me..."adorable" is a niece-cheeks word. it's along the lines of "oh my squijjy-wijjy cuteness!".
jody points out that it's better than being called "hot" or "babe". (i get a little nervous about trivializations with those...hahaha. yes, i over-analyze.)
but "adorable"???...and from a stranger??
is that weird?
unless it's along the lines of "adore-able"...as in "i could adore you". although, now that i think of it...is that weird too?
maybe he's a "girls' kind of guy"...one that's easy to talk to about any old thing, including my girly stuff. maybe he's gay?...a 'no strings attached' compliment? maybe he's normal and just likes the word? then again...maybe he's a canabalistic, psycho killer....
oh well...nothing will come of it because of other non-match-ables...but it was just...interesting.
apparently, i'm on an emo-country kick today. hehe. :)
so, this is martina mcbride and her song, "god's will".
Friday, June 5, 2009
the one last night really hit me over the head. it covered two topics: forgiveness and barriers to love. i'm still chewing on where it's going exactly, but i definitely felt like god was directing me to the part about giving and receiving love. so, i've been praying that way...we'll see where he takes me. :)
anyway, major kudos to sissy! excellent, excellent, excellent!!
i'm definitely going to miss the women in the group...the dynamics of women choosing to be "for" each other...wow, great things happen in that.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
i sat in a meeting last week where the local public education experts told me that a student with basic cognitive functions around 25% was "average". no, not "low average" or "below average"...AVERAGE!! the benefit of such a distinction???...no need for special services. plus, he can feel really good about his less-than-par performance and not adjust motivation or have issues addressed in the least. he supposedly fits in with the general population and the services provided to the "average" students.
another one...a student graduating from the high school in town who by all accounts is a legitimate "average" student (probably a true 50 percent-er) who is graduating with honors!!!! heh???
i know these kids probably "feel" really good about their grades...but...seriously!!! what service are we really doing them??? are we even educating anymore??? are we setting kids up for a major shock in post-secondary education? are we preparing them for a life of challenges by making our expectations so minimal???
when i was in college, i survived organic chemistry. i ended up landing a "b"...and i was more proud of that grade than any "a" i got in my entire college experience. why???...i was held to a high standard and i fought for every inch i got. no bar was lowered so i'd have great self-esteem about my chemistry experience. no, i was expected to rise to a standard of competence. there were people that were obviously more talented than i was...who all got the grades that matched their abilities. my "b"???...meant i was "average" for chemistry...but it was alllllll mine...and i celebrated my mediocrity in style.
i just have some serious reservations about the quality of education anymore. has the "feel-good" bottomed out our drive towards excellence?...or do we still have a ways to go before we hit the lowest low?
who knows...maybe abilities in the 10% range could be "average" soon. maybe then i'll get to pursue my dream of being a brain surgeon...
(apologies for the sarcasm...i'm just pretty shocked...and wonder if we are misusing the word "education"...)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
i was in line at target today behind a slew of teen girls each waiting to purchase their very own itty-bitty mini-skirt (the kind daisy duke would have worn if she ventured out of shorts-ville). part of me was chuckling a bit in a thought of what parents were going to be saying when each one got home...and quickly another part of me was horrified that some parents may not say a thing...
it is just so depressing to me...the number of girls who think they have to sexualize themselves to get attention from guys. and depressing how, at the same time, we enculturate boys to actually believe that a seductively dressed girl is the "hot" they should be going for...
i'm just tired of how much we allow and in an indirect way, train our girls to be "bait" rather than the expressions of beauty that they were made to be.
i'm definitely not into the paper sac mode of dress that some claim to actually help the male porn problem. the uber-modesty plan is a farce in my book. no, i'm all for the expression of the feminine form. but, i draw the line at clothing that's designed to make a woman into a worm on a hook.
you know what else that tells me??...how little we've made the sexuality of a woman. to sum it up in cleavage and curves??? wow, i hope i'm not ever viewed that "small". the feminine sexuality is far more valuable and mysterious and wonderful than an itty-bitty mini could ever reveal. and in my book...true feminine sexuality is way more hot than any daisy duke ever dreamed of.
i'm just sayin'...