Wednesday, May 28, 2008
and my heart had one of the biggest stabs it's had in a long time...
but it raised an interesting question...which i'll return to later.
what has followed has been hilarious...or not...depends.
a couple of my junior high students randomly decided to start calling me "mom". seemed creepy until i realized that i actually AM now old enough to be their mom...got wayyyy creepier.
i found this stack of 'thank you' cards from my secondary kids. and many of them referred to me as a 'mom'. one of them actually called me her "mother bear". heh?
so, here's what's bothering me...
what if i actually want to be a mom someday? (insert that this is a question i have never allowed myself to really consider!!!)
when i was going through my body image junk, i was terrified of actually getting pregnant because i didn't want to gain any weight. needless to say, that's passed...just ask my refrigerator. :) and...i've never been the girl that ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. and for some reason i thought that a career desire negated that...although my own mom did both very well, so i have no idea where i got that idea. in fact, i've not wanted to be the girl that is wholy...a..."mom". you know...the ones that have the title sum up their entire personhood. but i know it's possible because i have tons of friends (and siblings) who are moms that are totally....more? something like that anyway.
so,i'm guessing that this is related to a fear thing. probably a selfish one in many ways...probably a wound-related one too.
but today, i actually...and a little bit sadly too...am thinking that i might want to really be one someday. and i don't even need biological children...like teaching shows, a gal can just be one, i guess...but i think that it might actually be...a heart desire???...that i get to be a mom someday.
to be able to parent with someone and take on all that it entails...not as terrifying anymore.
Friday, May 23, 2008
i can't tell if that's depressing or refreshing...depends on which life basket we place all our eggs, i guess.
but i've read that a person can begin to get a snapshot of their overall purpose...the truest passions, dreams, visions...in the messages of their favorite movies or stories.
so, here's my first run at it in no particular order...what can i say? it's hard to narrow it down sometimes.
Lord of the Rings - I particularly love Aragorn and Arwen in this movie. I love how Aragorn slowly steps into his calling...his true self...and he fights for freedom no matter the cost. I love how Arwen is so committed...no matter what that means. And how she saves Frodo despite danger to herself!!! Amazing!
hmmm...well, some are right on. some, of course, point to the general desires of my heart. others point to some of my particular passions...heart freedom and personal becoming are huge on my list. maybe some of the others are things that i'm going to experience as i continue on in this journey. i'd love to be more confident...marked with strength and courage. and i'd love to be comfortable just as i am...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
oprah told a story once about a time when she kept having to see newspaper headlines that were totally trashing her. she was so hurt by the ordeal, wondering why people would print such lies...especially when they didn't even know her. she called her mentor at the time, who was maya angelou, and wisely, oprah was encouraged to see that she "was not in that". everything that was the genuine oprah...the passion, giftings, the heart...did not need to be rocked by or defined by such pettiness and assault. it was a beckoning to let go, to walk away...and keep on keeping on.
as it turns out, this may actually end up being one of the most difficult battles of my life... through many ordeals, it has been very difficult to "let go and let god"...to actually let it be about god even at my expense.
if i may be a little strange for a moment...god did a profound thing when he created mankind. he gave us an immense amount of authority. i don't think we even begin to understand how profound that was, but sadly, through the fall, we handed that authority over to satan. the consequences of that (disease, death, a broken creation) have been horrendous. the awesome thing is that god made a way for that authority to be rested back on us...if we so choose. but it doesn't stop there...no, no, no...because the most abundant life actually involves us presenting that authority back to god...chosing to live under his hand. and in so doing...humbling ourselves...he raises us from our knees to our feet, standing in his embrace...with backbones of steel, with hands fit for the paradox of service and battle, with hearts being mended...and like a key in lock that's been aching to be opened for all of time... we empty ourselves of ridiculous obstacles, and we open the door to the release of the holy spirit...unshackled. the trinity is unleashed...
but so few actually live that way...
...and are rocked by every wave on a stormy sea...
and here's the thing...i'm not saying we shouldn't stand up for ourselves in struggle. sometimes that's definitely called for...it's just that when we make something more about ourselves than it truly is or needs to be, we have the propensity to unleash a whole lot more than the trinity.
*and a whole lot more.
immaturity rules the roost rather than godliness.
so maybe, we should choose other reactions. first, we should step back and ask ourselves what this really is about. i've had to do that regarding my passions and dreams lately. the things/people i love that others don't. sometimes it's lonely in loving and pursuing...but do we have to feel alone? is it even really about that? and if it's taking a stand for something or being attacked for something, can we rise above the defensiveness and make it about the issue at hand?
the cool thing is...stepping back helps us gain a far better perspective of the situation. hopefully, one that takes self off the table. what, after all, if it is spiritual attack? would we attack our brothers in this context? i suspect satan would love us to do that rather than spend time kicking HIM in the head...
after stepping back, we need to ask god what he wants done...or not done. this is the trust zone! he may ask you to lay down your defenses. he may ask you to make it about him and his will. he will certainly ask you to not sin. he will certainly ask you to pray...be with him.
and a minor note about confidants...i have found that it is so great to utilize brothers and sisters in christ to process struggles, to rally prayer support. BUT...may i issue a caution. first, assess the ability of your confidants to NOT take up your offense and NOT gossip! man, i've seen that get way out of hand...adding gasoline to candlelight. but if you have a couple of people who can stand with you...in prayer and personal encouragement...go for it!
and with that, i just want to end with something from 1 Corinthians 1.
10I have a serious concern to bring up with you, my friends, using the authority of Jesus, our Master. I'll put it as urgently as I can: You must get along with each other. You must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common.
11-12I bring this up because some from Chloe's family brought a most disturbing report to my attention—that you're fighting among yourselves! I'll tell you exactly what I was told: You're all picking sides, going around saying, "I'm on Paul's side," or "I'm for Apollos," or "Peter is my man," or "I'm in the Messiah group."
13-16I ask you, "Has the Messiah been chopped up in little pieces so we can each have a relic all our own? Was Paul crucified for you? Was a single one of you baptized in Paul's name?" I was not involved with any of your baptisms—except for Crispus and Gaius—and on getting this report, I'm sure glad I wasn't. At least no one can go around saying he was baptized in my name. (Come to think of it, I also baptized Stephanas's family, but as far as I can recall, that's it.)
17God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what he has done, collecting a following for him.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
i had the privilege of talking at a Princess Party for a group of girls at a local church. they have this great little tea party each year, and the little girls get all dressed up for the festivities. so, my friend dawn who organized the program asked me if i'd like to share something at it. since i'd been praying for more opportunities to be released into women's/girl's ministry (especially in the realm of the "princess" area), i jumped at the chance.
what a great experience!
i was praying once with a lady that mentors me, and i was sharing with her my fears about not saying the right thing or not saying enough...and the "boxes" that i've had to fight. she told me to trust the holy spirit to communicate from "heart to heart". and that wisdom has really taken a lot of the wind out of my self-focused sails... so, i really don't know how the specific speech went, but my heart felt like we were connecting. so, praise god for that!
and those little ladies, by the way, are such a delight! each so different, but so very special!
so...on to the next "whatever"...he does just drop things in our laps sometimes. what an adventure!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
there are all types of losses...so many people, circumstances, changes...all potentially related to a "dark night of the soul". and sometimes it's not so much about the logistics and "facts". it can come down to a shattering of hopes, dreams, plans...
and in those moments i find that i can just get stalled...having no sight beyond the horror.
i've wondered lately if it's not always just about the emotions that accompany a loss. the time it takes to "feel"...the denial, the sorrow, the anger. is the "halting of life" sometimes a way to keep a faint grasp on existence as we knew it? a way of fighting the final release?
when we get used to life as we know it and the notions we've had about how it all should look, it's terrifying to think of anything new. EVEN if new is better. the big, bad unknown. it's like we claw at whisps in the wind in avoidance of the new reality before us.
and yet we find...in story after story...that life does go on. it's actually the promise between the lines! it CAN go on...though different, though strange... there can be a tomorrow.
and so i guess all i'm thinking for today...whatever it is we face...keep going. be real, be present...and then be ready...for...a...new...day!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
can i just say how amazing it is for girls who've lived most of their lives "casual" to step into a gown? i LOVE it. they stare at themselves in disbelief and are tempted to beg the question "am i really this beautiful?" it...is...amazing!
of course, beauty is something that is just innate to any woman and far more than physical, but our culture...actually satan, i should say...has worked so hard to convince us that there is a particular "mold" for beauty. thus, most women live under the false boot of ugliness. hence, the magic in those dressing room moments! the potential for a heart that's even more free...
and then there's my dad. he was so intent on coming along in this grand adventure. i'm so glad he did. while it's possible for a woman to own her own true beauty, there is an amazing power held by men to greatly affirm or devastatingly damage a girl's connection to it....at least until she can have the courage to own it, i think. it's so true. and as a side note, the cool thing about god is that he's the grand "re-connector"! but, i just loved watching her sparkle all over the place...and see him affirm her "shine".
so, a word to the wise...if you are a gal, how about a "princess" dressing room appointment soon?...just to have fun! and to the men...especially the ones that have special ladies in their lives...how about flexing some affirmation muscle for them!
oh! and pray for me!!! now it's time to "accessorize"....ahhh!
fourth, i learned something valuable about forgiveness. when it was all over, a few of us stayed to review the situation. we cried and prayed together, which was such a blessing. one of my friends started talking about jesus' heart for forgiveness. he brought up the fact that for jesus, the worst and hardest option was to not forgive. his heart was so full of love and compassion that he had to forgive. it was a "must". it would have actually pained him not to... that just made me picture his death on the cross...dying of a trillion broken hearts all at once...yet he cries out that god forgive us... and so, in my desire to be more like him, i've been considering the quickness of his forgiveness. the god of the continuous outstretched hand.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
for those of you who actually have a recollection of the 90's (being that some who read this were actually born in that decade...oh dear), you may remember a song by a group called "go west" entitled "faithful". oh yes, we be talkin' some old school stuff here...
well, i think i've said before that one of the ways god talks to me is through music. i often will realize, when i pause long enough to listen, that there is a song singing in my heart. sometimes it's directional, sometimes calming, and sometimes god just whispering his sweet somethings to me...
so, god's been having me in a season of detachment lately. and his purpose...always springing from love...is to get me more into the great adventure with him and to release me more in desire. this is a major faith step for me...one wrought with discipline and practice...but isn't it true that some of our finest passions actually come from intense training? so i've been moving ahead. i've seen some major shifts in perspective. i've experienced a renewed fire inside. but i've also had to be wrestling a bit.
but my god who has this dance with my heart that i can't even put words to has been singing this old-school-lovin' song to me and i'm once again overwhelmed. i've been praying some pretty serious and stripping prayers...and my heart just hopes and hopes...but it's a god-based hope...for his dreams and plans. and then i find him just wrapping his arms around me...singing a funky 90's tune ...but his words are aimed for the deepest parts of my heart.
and i realize that the greatest romance of my life is happening right now...with him.
so here's the video...rock out or laugh yourself silly. but either way, my hottie god rules! hehe...
Monday, May 5, 2008
so here's an interesting clip i found. enjoy...