Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Being a "Mom"...

something happened a few weeks ago that really sent my heart off into a new land. i was speaking at this tea party for little girls' at my friend dawn's church, and at the end one of the girls introduced me as "the one i'd like to have as my second mom". an extremely awkward silence followed that...probably with a look of complete shock on my face...but not wanting her to feel bad or anything, i quickly said, "oh, that's a nice thing to say."

and my heart had one of the biggest stabs it's had in a long time...

but it raised an interesting question...which i'll return to later.

what has followed has been hilarious...or not...depends.

a couple of my junior high students randomly decided to start calling me "mom". seemed creepy until i realized that i actually AM now old enough to be their mom...got wayyyy creepier.

and then...

i found this stack of 'thank you' cards from my secondary kids. and many of them referred to me as a 'mom'. one of them actually called me her "mother bear". heh?

so, here's what's bothering me...

what if i actually want to be a mom someday? (insert that this is a question i have never allowed myself to really consider!!!)

when i was going through my body image junk, i was terrified of actually getting pregnant because i didn't want to gain any weight. needless to say, that's passed...just ask my refrigerator. :) and...i've never been the girl that ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. and for some reason i thought that a career desire negated that...although my own mom did both very well, so i have no idea where i got that idea. in fact, i've not wanted to be the girl that is wholy...a..."mom". you know...the ones that have the title sum up their entire personhood. but i know it's possible because i have tons of friends (and siblings) who are moms that are totally....more? something like that anyway.

so,i'm guessing that this is related to a fear thing. probably a selfish one in many ways...probably a wound-related one too.

but today, i actually...and a little bit sadly too...am thinking that i might want to really be one someday. and i don't even need biological children...like teaching shows, a gal can just be one, i guess...but i think that it might actually be...a heart desire???...that i get to be a mom someday.

to be able to parent with someone and take on all that it entails...not as terrifying anymore.

dang it!

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