Enough with the Using...

man, i have to say that i'm in a major wrestling match right now. i'm mega in touch with some anger. hahahaha...before you freak out, remember that i'm really ok with giving myself permission to do so now. feeling things out is a massive "wide open space of grace" for me nowadays.

here's the thing. i'm ticked off right now. at people, at god. i'm tired of all the using. i'm tired of the assuming. i'm done with status quo and the "ruts" that i used to love. i'm over the need to dwell in someone else's tent just to feel secure. i could care less about measuring up to the necessary appearances. i want..."new" and "more"...NOW!

i want to have more of the people who genuinely want to know each other and become and journey together. i'm tired of the posers that think they are doing that very thing. i'm tired of being used for agendas and pushed around by selfish motives and ignorance. i'm tired of being a clean-up crew member. i'm tired of being wasted.

and you are thinking..."hmm, what's going on at work?"...this is bigger than that. i'm looking at life.

i want a man. i'm frankly frickin' tired of waiting! the only problem is that i don't want just any man. i want a 'wild at heart' man. i want a man that loves god so much that it makes him a better lover and partner and adventurer and challenger. i want to be that too. but my gosh...men today! so, so, so many are lost in their own passivity that they seriously live in a selfish world full of little pleasures to numb their sorry choice to simply exist rather than truly live. no sooner do i say that than remember that i need to be in that intentional journey myself. but really...is it even possible to find such a man? not a perfect man...just a heart-alive one. they are definitely out there...i've even met a few. but am i just doomed to a life of desiring him but never being found by him?

the kicker in it is that i really have been stepping out of my shell in many respects. there's no living in the fear box that has held me for most of my life. i'm finding life and gifts and courage... and i think god has allowed those things to be used for good which has been such a delightful journey.

and god...well, i love him so much, and i see him and feel him much of the time. he continues to tell me to keep holding on...but...ok, i'm tired of that!!!! does his notion of holding on mean decades??? i'm starting to wonder what his problem is...

and then it dawns on me...

is HE just using me too?? is he teasing me with "life" so that i'll just do his deal and never receive the desires of my heart? i know that's selfish to say as he's the giver of life and is good and all...but seriously, i guess i'm just wanting to ask the question.

i've been used by people. i've been used by men. as such, it's unbelieveably difficult for me to crack open my heart to trust. i really work so hard to keep holding on to the freedom that's been given to me, to not go back into the shadows... but man, it's hard when more than not i still find out that the other shoe has dropped and it was just another episode of "usury 101".

sooooo, what am i saying exactly??? i have no clue! all i know is that i want more...i want some change...and i'm wondering if the man upstairs is listening.

i know that my wrestling will produce life...i know that i'm going to learn so much more about god, about me, about more freedom...i just really have some desires in my heart, and i hope that he's not given them to me just to suffer with them...i don't think i can do it.