God is so very good. If you know me, you know that the statement in the face of a storm is a major miracle and milestone. Through tough situations, God can be an anchor...a source of peace, perspective and wisdom.
It's people who disappoint me...honestly, I have to say it.
For all of the plans that God has, His desire is to have human agreement...partnership...that we would align our free will with His goodness. All too often, though, humans grab onto previous woundings, pinhole perspectives and subsequent assumptions/judgments and then say/do things that contribute to destruction and division.
I've done it. I've experienced it. And I'm just plain tired.
I've had to witness several, serious situations this year where the choices of people created circumstances that were so very unfortunate and so potentially destructive. And to be honest...there are several of us that have had to practically kill ourselves (stepping in to compensate in places or stand for tough things in others) so that others today can enjoy the privilege of being angry because of love for someone rather than anger for very apparent messes of dysfunction.
My disappointment is so grave that I am experiencing just a soulful grief...an exhaustion no sleeping pill could touch.
So...I'm really working hard to stand on the goodness of God, agreeing with what He wants to do as far as I can align my free will, my strengths and hurt heart with Him...and the reality is that I have had to...have been able to...accept that I don't need to be a part of the complete solution anymore.
I've actually adopted the perspective of having an exit in mind right now to keep being able to deal with other people's junk and a few people's lofty opinions based on limited perspective. A "this can be over for me soon" mentality. At least that's what is helping me plod forward right now...a letting go of having to see it through...having a perspective of an end in sight.
I've already made decisions regarding work. I've only committed for one more year in my teaching job. (Honestly, if I can get my sweet husband to find a job that could take us away for even a year, I'd step out sooner. Hehe.) And, I've committed at church to getting my dad to a place of complete retirement in the next few months so he doesn't have to be stressed/used/abused in his position anymore...free to be who he is made to be with no grief. And even more, so that a new leadership (sans me) can take its place. At that point, I will be free to evaluate my role in serving, if any. I might just be freed to be more "me" too.
A discipline that has been helpful for me in addition to owning the fact that I don't have to see it all through is gratitude. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had and cards I've written expressing thankfulness for the dedication and commitment of people who, for the better part of a year, have sacrificed and fought for investment in people as they are made/called to be. People who have poured out their hearts, strengths, and tears and who have offered prayer after prayer after prayer for God's will to be done.
So, there it is. I'm exhausted. I'm disappointed in people. But, I'm so confident in God's goodness...a perspective that is helping me let go of needing to be involved and a perspective of gratitude for moments of righted, broader perspective.
It ain't easy...but it WILL be good.
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