Oh man. Do you ever have a moment where you find yourself hugely in touch with...anger?? Yowza...that's a tough spot for me. Tough because #1, I don't like to feel icky inside; #2, I don't like to feel this way towards others; and #3, I don't like feeling on the verge of losing control...i.e. going off like a rock star. ;)
It's a moment where the "crap cup runneth over"... Granted, I realize that I have so many plates spinning right now that things could seem more overwhelming than they really are. Possible. Sometimes, though, I wonder if my moments of insane obligation actually erode the insulation I have that keeps me from seeing things for what/how they truly are. Pondering.
I'm tired of people not following through on obligations and commitments. I'm tired of their laziness, tardiness, procrastination, empty words, early abdication or late notice, poor communication, refusal to do the little things.... I could go on and on... And...I'm tired that I am expected and/or feel expected to bail them out... Stupid.
I'm tired of relationships that exist purely for the other. And I'm tired of myself thinking that I have to somehow make their tough stuff less tough. In particular circumstances that is sometimes necessary...that's what friends do, right? But when a pattern emerges of "feed me then leave"...nope...done. Relationships certainly bring out our patterns, wounds and junk as invitations to grow, but when it really serves to satiate that need or wound, it's not a two-way relationship that builds TWO people. No, it's a milk bar for one.
I'm tired of people who function fueled by insecurity. I'm tired of their meaningless validation techniques which really create a life and/or job performance that neglects true duties for the obvious "back-patting" experiences. All of this followed by a legitimate expectation that we all join in on the "look at me" parade when we all really want to say "how about you find some true self-esteem and just plain do what you are supposed to do". Oops.
I'm tired of the "consumer" mentality. Not the "spending" kind. I mean the "this doesn't or you don't make me happy so I'm leaving" sort. They turn people, community, causes, etc. into self-serving products. True commitment??...not really...just a "me-me" focus wrapped up in pretty paper that permits people to abandon at any moment. Ridiculous.
I'm tired of people not taking the moment that is offered to really face the deeper questions when life gets tough. They look for other, lesser answers to numb their pain instead of facing the storm and finding true peace on the other side. They choose hedonism instead of healing. They choose to be control-freaks instead of knowing what true victory and freedom look/feel like.
And...I'm tired of being the one who has to be patient, who has to bend over backwards, who has to keep opinions to myself...but more...of being frustrated.
Perhaps this reveals a heart-question or fear that I need to face too. Note to self...take time to consider. But, YEP, I'll also need to find the balance. There are times to speak and times to be silent. There are times to bail someone out and times to let things be revealed. Wisdom is knowing when....and maybe my anger is telling me that my wisdom has been assuming silence and over-doing too often.
"I am a hollow reed. I am a hollow reed." HAHA! Deeeeeep siiiiiigh... :)