it has been just a bizarre day. the work day was great...no probs, sweet opportunities. but i've just had this nagging of bitterness today. when i least expect it, i'm reminded of old stuff and WHAM...i'm ticked.
makes me wonder if it's just "life", if it's god pushing a button, if it's an attack to get me where it hurts...would help to know so i could take care of it...HA, how about let god take care of it with me.
i am a little more aware of the chances that it's an attack, now that i think of it. i'm getting ready for a cool prayer thing tomorrow...have had some awesome and weird prep stuff for that one. so, i get that we are probably close to something that really counts. but boy am i shocked for how the accuser goes right for the big guns sometimes. i won't tell you what explitives come to mind regarding that one...
back to the bitterness stuff...i still amaze myself sometimes at my expectation that god "right" things according to my schedule. and i guess by "right", i now mean bring life out of death. that word used to have a much more vengeful meaning for me. now i'd just like god's full-circle peace. but, the thing to remember is that his peace is as much or more a state of heart as it is a re-ordering of things. i guess it makes me think of joseph (the coat of many colors kid). he actually went 20+ years before events resolved themselves in circumstantial peace. but his heart must have had to make peace..with true peace...long before that. not that it wasn't a struggle, i'm sure. but, his heart must have been touched by god's to actually get to the place he did regarding forgiveness.
his heart was in the position of peace...even if life or people weren't.
so today, i've had the weirdest onslaught of "you will always be dishonored by them, disrespected", "you'll always be the doormat", "you are the 'use me' option"...on and on...what the freak???
BUT...that's all not true...at least in my standing in christ...the place where things count. there are truer, deeper things inside now...
so, i guess i'll wrestle today...invite god in. we shall open that can...
rest assured...i want to be the girl of hope that he's made me to be...and part of that hope is that god will restore all things in his time...but in the meantime...i'll need to choose to walk in his peace.
probably not what satan had planned for this one...jerk.
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