background info first...have you ever wanted something so badly that you were actually willing to be less of yourself to get it? you present yourself differently, you change your "likes and dislikes" to fit the plan, you strategize, you manipulate...it can go on and on (and even look good in the process!). in the end, though, that plan is ineffective...even in the attainment of the "prize"...because the real you had to be sacrificed to get it. the fake "you" gets to enjoy it???...doesn't even make sense.
well, i feel like god has been holding that up to my face in many respects lately. turns out he's always been interested in the real me...and is madly in love with that. ;) he's been giving me the strangest permissions to explore some of the things i've parted with along the way in efforts to manipulate my own plan for life. things about me that i let go of, lost or never really developed just to force my plan...or stay in hiding from his...
and i know this is a little one...but it's a strange little representation of the restoration of choice in my life. the right to "choice" that i denied so i could be an "option" to a boy. silly how we think sometimes, isn't it?
i used to enjoy little dogs. not the freaky yippers...but the little lap dogs, the one's you can snuggle and tell secrets to (like my sister's little molly...miss her). i used to really want one...until the boy that i wanted with all my heart said that he disliked them. isn't that funny? i immediately stopped the dog dream to not lose my plan. and it was probably no big deal...and why should it be?...but how funny that i was insecure enough about losing the plan that i was so willing to erase the dog notion right off the page.
i've done that with a TON of things. how utterly stupid! rooted in so much fear...
but god's so sweet! he actually nudged me a little into dog-ville this week. i actually called to adopt a sweet little girl (dog)!!! i was so nervous about it because it would have to add to my list of things that i don't want to be ashamed of about myself (things that..in my mind...intimated men about me)...the "principal" word, the "sermons" word...and now the "dog" word. hehe.
well...SCREW IT!
so i called to see if she needed me as much as i wanted her. unfortunately, she had just been adopted, so it didn't work out. but man, oh man, my soul opened wide.
i don't know...i may not end up with a dog...but i claimed a bit of me back in the risk.
THAT...felt...good!
(yes, god's hot...) :)
No comments:
Post a Comment