Well, it finally caught up to me. Last week can be summed up with "the weight of the world on my shoulders". My heart was so heavy that I think I actually made myself sick by the weekend. Lots of cold meds, sleep and tears.
I'm aware of so many sad or struggling people in all of my areas of involvement. Situations that seem pretty hopeless and/or have unknown endings with a myriad of potential positives and negatives. Fear, of course, has a lot of space to invade when it comes to unknowns...well, space if allowed. As a recovering fear-based person (haha), I find that I have to be really careful with fearful people. Sometimes it's no work at all to hold on to hope and share hope in the face of their storm. Other times...I have to work overtime to not join in. It's so heart-exhausting.
All of that...and BAM...grief from our pastor-loss hit me like a tsunami. Don't get me wrong...I'm a 100% believer in the process of forgiveness, healing and restoration, so it's not about that. No shame from this girl. It's the broken heart stuff. The reality of the loss. Tiredness from the work to keep things going and give people space to heal. Compounded by 1 or 2 pharisees from other churches that seem to need to punish the brokenhearted for the wounds of another...it's amazing how "Christians" can be so willing to hit the extended group of victims while they're down. And...as I've frustratingly discovered...while it's been maybe 2% of my experience with the larger body of Christ in our area, it's what a sad heart tends to focus on. Sigh. Meanies.
When my heart is pressed on all sides, it's easy to start wondering about all sorts of things that really don't need attention. Focus on the unfulfilled dreams. Freak out about my own unknowns. Yep...without some decision to put my heart in the right place, it can get messy.
I was curled up in bed with kleenexes shoved up my nose telling Him how completely tired I am...heart-tired...and how cut off I feel I am from the people I'd normally express my heart to because of their own grief right now. Well He...yes, He's just THAT good...started to show me things on my "plate" that didn't need to be there. "Can I take this?" "How about this?" And then...He started to show me how He could take the things I care about so deeply...the hurts, the unfulfilled dreams...and hold them for me, with me, in a way that honors their presence but envelopes them with His Presence. It was an experience of shalom-peace.
I'm still in a spot of letting Him minister to my heart...but I can feel it...hope is around the corner...on its way back to this heart.
When my heart will finally acknowledge that "God, I'm so tired.", He responds with a care like no other. It's worth it. Absolutely worth it to be vulnerable with Him.