Dun-dun-DUMB!!

Well...I'm not the smartest cookie in the jar. There's a shocker. Without fail, I continue to forget the very basic...and really pay for it later.

I'm working on getting back in shape. It's v-ball season, people...it's time. I decided to go biking this weekend for a little variety. Right before I left, I decided to call my brother Jay to see if he wanted to go. Boy, am I so glad I did!!!

Why???

Because I decided to not bring any proper hydration...stupid...to also not eat enough before leaving...stupidER...and to bring a nice bottle of Diet Coke for refreshment...#@$%. At the end of our fantabulous trip...yep, I passed out.

Completely fell over...

The good news is that we had actually stopped when I finally toppled...and I only hurt my pride. Jay to the rescue of course...I was completely out of it and he educated me accordingly.

Next time...I'll be a little smarter. (crossing fingers...hehe)

Thanks, Jay! :)

Peter's Drums

When it comes to church, I have to say I much prefer the front row. Left side, specifically. It isn't so much that I need to be close to all the action. It's more that I love to be right by the drums. That's where they are, you see. Front, left corner. I love to feel the rhythm in my rib cage.

What I love even more??

When one of the drummers...Peter...plays.

He's an amazing drummer. There's no doubt about that. But, more than that, he's a worshiper. He's able to actually enter the music, disconnect from all the technical focus...and lift off. Beyond skill...it's all heart. And it's absolutely magical. Not that I watch him all the time...I have to worship in my own way too. Sometimes, though, I get to pause and take it all in...and I realize that God actually designed him to do that. He was born to drum...and when He does so...and especially when he lets his heart be unleashed in the midst of it...I can actually feel the pleasure God has for him.

Oh my goodness...it's the same for us all!!! Each of us has a design that longs to...that needs to...be released...and God, in our willingness to risk and JUMP IN, delights in our unveiling.

Mm-hmm. It's a part of "original glory"!...the first true thing about being human. So, what's yours? Have you entered that adventure? God wants to show you...and it's going to be wonderful!!!

Forrest Gump

UV Care

Hilarious! I'm Swedish, people! Must protect the alabaster (or albino) skin. Hehe. ;)

Ever After

Accidental Validation

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. When I find out the hurts of some people...specifically people I care about...I try really hard to not do anything that validates those wounds. I'm not talking about walking on eggshells so they never have to heal. No, facing things is so GOOD in my book. I mean that I try to consider what I can do on the front end of tricky situations so I don't contribute to needless validation of the wound's lies. I don't want to accidentally spit on the broken parts of others if I can be so aware.

Sigh.

Sometimes, though, no matter what I do...I end up not doing enough. Not totally my fault...and I understand that. It's just frustrating...especially when thought actually went into things to eliminate confusion.

You can't always win...but you can live trying. ;)

Feeling "Home"

I have to admit...I have moments when I feel as though I am not at home in the various circles within which I roam. I just don't fit like I used to.

I don't fit in as well with the traditional evangelical world any longer. It's not that I disagree exactly...well, I do on some counts, but mostly I just think it is too small. I'm becoming quite comfortable in the mysteries and don't need all the lesser "must's"...save one..."Jesus loves me, this I know". On the other side, though, I don't want to fit in with the jaded crowd. Their response seems to be to make their world shockingly small...the grand pity-party. That's not for me either.

I don't fit in as well in the political world anymore. I still tend towards the conservative end of the spectrum, but I don't think it's the end-all for answers. I want to live with more "love my neighbor" without having to make the government my "daddy". I want to embrace "American" as being more than just what's good for white people...and acknowledge "America" as a bit less than the only important place on the face of the planet.

I don't fit in with this entitled, self-focused culture that seeks to find soulful satiation in small pleasures, but I have no home in the legalistic, controlled culture created in response to the other. I find neither to be truly satisfying...though one can be a bit more fun...but only for a moment.

I don't fit in with some of the "married's" who seem to lose a sense of self after "I do" and thus cannot relate to anyone who has no one to clean-up after or diapers to change. On the other hand, I don't fit in with some of the "single's" who are so unfathomably desperate to find "Mr. or Miss Right" that they too will set aside self to find a warm body. Dating tips from either side make me want to peel my face off.

I guess it creates a bit of a sense of loneliness sometimes. The irony of loneliness in crowds of people. Certainly, as a "heart" girl, I find "home" with God in the "now" all the time. It IS possible to feel His presence and delight...right here, right now. He's good like that. It's just that my humanity longs for shared "home" with others. I long to find places where I can freely express who I am and am becoming without all the "fight" that comes with "no fit". And I want to make wide open spaces like that for others too.

I'm thankful for the places where I'm more free...my parents, my sister, some friends, my church, and great authors (fellow mystics) like Manning, Lewis, Eldredge...far more warm, encouraging and releasing. No cookie-cutters. No press-molds. Maybe it's the shocking contrast of some undesirable interactions that leaves me wishing for more... Certainly more friendships that allow it would be a blessing.

Well..."there's no place like home"...and here's to hopes of more!

Vide Cor Meum

Oh my...this is so beautiful. I need to get to an opera SOON!

Quite the Ending

Well, the end of this school year is proving to be quite challenging. Truthfully, it's been quite the year for having to compensate for others. Things like that happen, and I fully understand and expect it. It's just that many this cycle have been unapologeticly intentional. After almost 15 years in education...it's not kids who surprise me anymore. It's adults!!! Goodness...how unprofessional, immature, petty, critical and self-focused we can be. From people who have to disrespect colleagues so insecurities are satiated to others who seem to literally hate other people's kids (eww), I'm ready for a summer break from ADULTS.

It'll be a good time to reflect on how much I can be a royal pain in the arse too. Haha! ;)

The Default Hit

Sand volleyball is back in full swing. I love it so much!! Of course, being the introspective person that I am, I'm always evaluating how I (or we) play and looking for strategies to improve. Usually, I end up stumbling across some lesson or reminder for the bigger "game" of life.

Here's something I noticed last night. Aside from the serve, there are three basic hits in volleyball. There's the "bump", the "set" and the "spike". Each person usually has one that's more natural for them...(with the exception of the few that are so body-smart that they can comfortably do all...Grr!). Well, when the play speeds up and the tension rises, we tend to default to the hit that's most comfortable. Not a bad thing really...we choose the realm of our confidence when we are nervous. The bummer is that it's not usually helpful if it's a hit that doesn't work in the moment...i.e. trying to bump something high or set something low. The default choice can actually be the wrong one. So a good player learns to slow the spinning in their mind, to think critically and to make the right move that matches the circumstance. Doing this over and over and over actually builds comfort and confidence with a greater variety of positions. And that's a well-rounded player.

So...I've been thinking about that with the whirling of life too. I notice how I tend to default to particularly "comfortable" or "natural" actions when the pace speeds up. Not always are those defaults the best match for the situation. Being that I want to contribute to the best of my ability, I've been trying to slow the spinning in my mind to evaluate the best "move" or response and allow purposeful action to come out of that resting place. The more practice...the more I increase the number of "tools" in my belt.

Defaults are sometimes the right move...but sometimes it's necessary to discipline one's self to grow, expand, stretch...and become an even better team player.

Fighter

This has been a strange little mantra song for me lately. I think I'm naturally a bit of a "warrior" personality. I see it with my students and my family...well, anywhere I sense a mission. I'll tend to want to "fight" for what's important and protect those in my care. Man, it can get tough sometimes though. Jumping into the trenches with someone to help them live a bigger story can be so frustrating...wrought with losses. BUT...because of hope and the implications of true humanity, the fight is ALWAYS worth it in the end.

Oh...Don't listen if occasional language bothers you. ;)

Pure Heaven

Surviving the Maturity Gap

Oh man...as someone who works with teens, I'm well aware of...IMMATURITY. We deal with it, though, encouraging them as they move through it. Sometimes the cheerleader. Sometimes the sandpaper. Every now and then, though, I encounter a level of immaturity that surprises me. It's extremely overwhelming...one, because coming up against it is like pulling teeth...two, the support from parents is usually lacking...and three, being in this business long enough, the lessons necessary to overcome it are going to painful for the kiddo and the prospects of the future with such deficits seem SAD.

Ugh. It's been "one of those"...and I think it's going to keep on being "one of those"...Sigh.

The Grace Way

We've been talking about grace at church...that "unmerited favor" bestowed on humankind by the Trinity. It really has me thinking about the HUGE gift that it is...and...the notion that we, as children of God, get the opportunity to be agents of Grace all the time.

Sometimes it seems like grace gets framed in the context of worthlessness. We remind ourselves over and over again that we are undeserving. There's an added measure of shame, though, if the foundation beneath the definition is that we are "sinners saved by grace". It's true...we really can't earn it in any way. Receiving it has nothing to do with anything other than God's extra-rational love. From the standpoint of being "children", though...which is God's true view of us...the undeserved notion of grace is fleeting compared to the sense of divine pleasure. A pleasure to bestow such a marvelous gift.

I'm convinced beyond anything else that our experience of grace is completely aligned with the fullness of human destiny. They are "hand in glove". Grace calls us up into our most original heritage...not one of "have to" but one that "gets to" bestow the divine favor on ourselves, in community relationships, in enterprise, to the environment, to those that do not yet know that they too are His children...it's a duty, a responsibility, a delight...from the place of being sons and daughters of God.

Man, I'm so excited about Grace. It's got me all worked up. ;)

Feminists for Life

A Little "Ah-hah"

I will forever be thankful for friendships that permit me to be "real". That's not always the case for me. Some of the roles I've chosen have made it difficult to "speak my heart"...often necessarily so. I'm also a pensive feeler and an introvert. This means there tends to be a lot ruminating in my heart, but it's not so easily shared. It can stay trapped and make a "prison of pain" of sorts. The people that allow me to be "me" regardless of position...and allow me to be vulnerable in sharing my heart without attack...I cherish them so much!!

Every Wednesday I get together with a friend who is exactly that...a dose of grace's wide open spaces. She actually asks questions, and I feel comfortable sharing. There's challenge but not shame. The respect for others and commitment to confidentiality creates a freedom in the relationship to share things that I'm normally not free to share. 

So...reflecting (outside of my own head) on some situations that have weighed heavily on my heart and others that have caused me frustration has allowed me to embrace some conclusions. First, I can't hold offense against someone for strengths they do not possess. Goodness, I would not want myself to be held to such an expectation. Hoping that people get an accurate picture of their strengths and weaknesses and how deficits (without adequate strength-pairing from others) could potentially hinder effectiveness...well, that's a different matter...and one that I want more of for myself too. Second, something my friend actually said...and I think is so interesting...calling does not assume maturity. Just because we have a particular strength, passion, or destined mission does not mean that we have the maturity to automatically wield it well. To assume so is to set one's self up for disappointment and failure...and frustration by others. Hence, risk should be paired with mentoring...the kind that challenges, sharpens and purifies. 

I don't know...a great exhale happened for my heart, and peaceful understanding flowed in. So refreshing. :)