Feeling "Home"

I have to admit...I have moments when I feel as though I am not at home in the various circles within which I roam. I just don't fit like I used to.

I don't fit in as well with the traditional evangelical world any longer. It's not that I disagree exactly...well, I do on some counts, but mostly I just think it is too small. I'm becoming quite comfortable in the mysteries and don't need all the lesser "must's"...save one..."Jesus loves me, this I know". On the other side, though, I don't want to fit in with the jaded crowd. Their response seems to be to make their world shockingly small...the grand pity-party. That's not for me either.

I don't fit in as well in the political world anymore. I still tend towards the conservative end of the spectrum, but I don't think it's the end-all for answers. I want to live with more "love my neighbor" without having to make the government my "daddy". I want to embrace "American" as being more than just what's good for white people...and acknowledge "America" as a bit less than the only important place on the face of the planet.

I don't fit in with this entitled, self-focused culture that seeks to find soulful satiation in small pleasures, but I have no home in the legalistic, controlled culture created in response to the other. I find neither to be truly satisfying...though one can be a bit more fun...but only for a moment.

I don't fit in with some of the "married's" who seem to lose a sense of self after "I do" and thus cannot relate to anyone who has no one to clean-up after or diapers to change. On the other hand, I don't fit in with some of the "single's" who are so unfathomably desperate to find "Mr. or Miss Right" that they too will set aside self to find a warm body. Dating tips from either side make me want to peel my face off.

I guess it creates a bit of a sense of loneliness sometimes. The irony of loneliness in crowds of people. Certainly, as a "heart" girl, I find "home" with God in the "now" all the time. It IS possible to feel His presence and delight...right here, right now. He's good like that. It's just that my humanity longs for shared "home" with others. I long to find places where I can freely express who I am and am becoming without all the "fight" that comes with "no fit". And I want to make wide open spaces like that for others too.

I'm thankful for the places where I'm more free...my parents, my sister, some friends, my church, and great authors (fellow mystics) like Manning, Lewis, Eldredge...far more warm, encouraging and releasing. No cookie-cutters. No press-molds. Maybe it's the shocking contrast of some undesirable interactions that leaves me wishing for more... Certainly more friendships that allow it would be a blessing.

Well..."there's no place like home"...and here's to hopes of more!