Flip Switch

god has really done a great thing for me this summer in regards to my "work" or "performance" identity. in previous blogs i've referred to this pull on my heart to "remember eden"...the desire to be restored to a heart relationship with god similar to eve's in eden before sin screwed everything up...dropping all the "fig leaves" (things external to who i really am) that so easily become a false identity. it's been the classic human (actually sub-human) way of living...mechanisms to define "who we are". well, work/performance has been one of those for me for a very long time...a driving force to feel ok.

let me explain...being a teacher, a principal...any performance role has been "who i am". even in relationships, i haven't been able to feel "me" unless i've been scrambling to work really hard at it...be the hard worker...which, to be honest, got me absolutely no where. any validation in any of these situations, of course, really meant that i was "ok" in that identity. any critique??...you guessed it...end 'o the world.

so anyway, over the last several years, god has had me step back from areas where my ego really could get stroked...and from a purely professional standpoint those were good decisions. but for the identity part...holy sh#$, not remotely easy...felt like i was losing who i was. god is so faithful, though, and has been leading me into experiences and mentoring relationships that have helped me let go in so many respects. asking god to reveal anything generational, personally prideful, wound-related, personality traits, weaknesses...anything that would help me understand...and face the music.

because the "who" of who i am is purely something...other...than externals like that. and apparently god is madly in love with that girl. and i've been so delighted as he's helped me to slowly step into expressing who that gal is. a journey that will continue imperfectly for sure...but still...getting more and more naked all the time. :)

but here's the kicker that hit this summer. to be honest it's actually been a little painful. how strange that it's possible that some pains can actually be a relief at the same time as being a bit of an "ouch"! haha..oh dear. but as i've done some things this summer that i would have typically called "performancy" before...hungering for lots of identity strokes...i've instead just missed sharing my life with someone else...just simply sharing real life. and so there's a desire that's been ignited more purely...and i absolutely love that he did that. but then...the realization that the waiting must continue...frustrating.

so i don't know what he's up to. i know he's doing great things with my heart...so i'll just have to continue trusting...:)