Holy Graduation, Batman.

last night i was blogging about the anticipation of the graduation "hiccup". no matter how much planning i do and the efforts to proactively put out fires, there is always something that is a bit of a surprise.

usually the hiccup is like a torn gown or a hairspray issue, but i didn't remotely expect the surprise i was in for on this day though.

i arrived at the church to get all the media/tech stuff set up before the kids arrived...and found a complete mess. my niece and i had organized it all the night before. we had all the chairs arranged, the floors were vacuumed, stands/podiums/stools were all set...i was so glad to have that all done because set-up can be the biggest hassle the morning of. well, somehow, some group showed up after we left last night and took it all apart and left messy floors, bathrooms, etc.

let me be honest...i had a complete meltdown. no, i don't mean a little smidgen of "darn"...noooooo, i nailed down the pissed off cry. it was...not pretty.

i think because it has been just one thing after another as the year has wound down...situations where we have to wing it, unexpected things that have needed to get done. my cup of "overwhelmed" runneth over...

so to walk into that (when usually i would be able to be ticked and then move to productive rage...hehe)...it was my last straw.

god is good though...just that morning i read isaiah 43 where it talks about how god is with us in tough times. my dad walked in. my aunt maryann walked in. kitty walked in. mom walked in.

and they all let me cry while i set out chairs and swept floors. (it is possible to multi-task even when one task involves the messy cry). :)

i guess it was time to purge the build up from a stressful season.

after that...graduation went so well. everything else went better than it has ever gone in other years. amazing!

Just Finishing Graduation Details...

it's almost 11:30pm...and i'm just finishing some details for tomorrow's graduation ceremony. it's my last big hurdle in this year-end race. i always expect some sort of hiccup...and about this time i ponder once more what those hiccups could be. gotta have a plan just in case...hmmm.

the good news???...my seniors this year were an absolute delight. so this ceremony is a real celebration of some wonderful people.

Uh-oh...Got into a Bit of Trouble Today.

apparently i have a propensity to upset people without even knowing it. goodness!!!...i wish it actually worked when i wanted it to. (just kidding...k, maybe not.) :) just reminds me, though, how much we never really know what does or does not offend. why?...because we really don't know that some people are rejected easily or feel disrespected in a heartbeat. at least, we don't know until we do or don't do something that troubles the waters.

but here's my dilemma...how much do we walk on eggshells around those people who do feel things at the drop of a hat...even when that's not the intention in the least?

where's the line between being codependent so someone's world is never rocked and proceeding towards ends and hoping situations help people resolve their issues?

granted, i'm enough of a proud person to be tempted to sometimes think it's stupid to be upset about things that i'm not angry about. yes, i know that's wrong...it's a part of my journey. but, in the moment that there might actually be a point to thinking so...what should be my response?

frustrating...

All of Me in One Basket??

i'm sure i'll talk this one out in a circular pattern before i actually land on what i'm thinking. :)

do you ever notice how some people place all of their identity in one or two things? they put all of "self" in one basket. from there, they live based on feeding that crammed, little box...wanting life from it...wanting validation for it...in search of the perfect cheer squad to agree that "THIS" is truly what you are.

it's frustrating to me because it's chosing to live small.

all of who i am is NOT summed up in what i do or who i sleep with or the passion/talent that makes me come alive or the kind of music i like or the results of my iq test or whether i have an "inny or an outie"...

and any or all of those things do NOT need a constant banner-toting festival.

and if we think so...aren't we missing the joy and mystery and complexity of what it means to be "me"??? skipping the grander celebration for a cracker jack box?

we choose to live so small, i think.

and i guess i feel like it makes us doomed to a life as a "taker"...framing the perfect existence (in our minds) that in reality is truly based on a poor self-concept and foundational insecurity.

i don't know...i think we need to be dumped out of our baskets...hehe.

ACSI Excitement!

i got an email today. oh my gosh, i'm so excited...i screamed when i read it.

a few months ago i filled out a proposal for a workshop at the midwest acsi convention (association of christian schools international). my topic was "sex education: are we failing our kids?". it's my thesis topic and also an issue that weighs very heavily on my heart (as i really believe that our explanations...both secular and christian...fall so short of what they could be). well, i knew it would be a "touchy" issue, so i was half-expecting a rejection based on topic (and the other half-expectation of rejection based on the fact that i'm a nobody).

but today...oh my gosh...they sent an approval!! AHHHHH! (i almost peed my pants!!!)

it's good that i have until october to work out my presentation!!! i'll have to get started right away!!!

oh my gosh...did i mention that i'm freaking excited!!!

Confirmation

i think it is so interesting how god chooses to confirm a decision or leaning. i've been wrestling with some tough decisions lately...different issues all over the personal and professional map. because i really wrestle with wanting people to approve of what i need to do, it makes it tough to take those difficult steps sometimes. thankfully, i really feel like god has been confirming some of those movements. interestingly, those always vary. sometimes the confirmation is in a unique series of events, sometimes drama that makes me want to pull my hair out, sometimes the advice of mentors, parents, friends...

i don't know...it just helps me when my gut gets some back-up. you know?

My Sis Took My Little Man...

it's funny how things work out sometimes...or how god works things out, i should say.

eddie went to live with my sis today. turns out that it might just be the best thing for him.

i went to get him this morning because joy wanted to do an "interview" of sorts. so, i walked inside my house and began to explain what may happen today (i'm assuming he speaks "human"). probably that was more for me than him, but who cares? so i told him that he is about the most adorable little thing i've ever seen, that he's grown on me so much, but that i had a tinsy little issue of an allergy. i told that if joy thought it was a good idea for him to be there, she'd probably be the best "mom" in the whole world.

eddie grabbed a little toy ALL BY HIMSELF and walked to the door...outside and to the car. he finally dropped the toy when i hit joy's driveway.

turns out that he LOVES to play...and spent time with my niece playing fetch.

when joy told me that, i just started to bawl! (also good to have family that i can cry with...) he's in a way better place...and i'm so happy for him. he's going to love it!!

so...that's the eddie saga for now. man, i've learned a lot, and i'm so glad he's getting the best deal.

I LOVE opinionated people who think they know everything about my life!!!

yep...you guessed it...totally being sarcastic!!

GRRR!

(and that's all i'll say because the rest of my verbalisms would scare the children...)

Loyal or Codependent?

it has been an interesting season. lots of challenges, tons of lessons, good resolution for old things...god is so good.

well, one of the scenarios that i "spectatored" really prompted me to think about some situations in my own life. it was a unique situation where the word "loyal" was thrown around all over the place. people chosing to stand in defense of people, switch sides, change original positions...because of a "loyalty". it was truly fascinating.

the thing that got me thinking was this. how do we decide what we are loyal to...or to whom? do we ever choose loyalty to a person in such a way that trumps what is right...or ignores it? if that's the case, is it really "loyalty" at all?...or is it a nice way of saying "codependent"?

it's got me thinking...

i wonder if "loyalty" is a bit more complicated concept than we think.

Nope...was wrong. :(

so it turns out...i'm ALLERGIC to eddie! some...those we call actual dog lovers...would run out and buy allergy meds and push through. well, the situation has revealed...that's not me. :(

so edie will hopefully find another home very soon.

he's a wonderful dog. don't get me wrong. he's the sweetest and funnest little guy...but...my immune system dislikes him...and i'm not enough of a "diehard" to do it.

i'm fighting a bit of the failure mentality, but at the same time i'm happy about one thing. a regret that i'll no longer have. i gave up a dog love to get a guy (muy estupido)...god gave me back the permission to find out...and i did. i broke with a fear and ended up realizing that i'm just not the dog-gal that i thought i was (and can't be as it turns out).

i know that any dog lover in the world is cringing at the thought, but have no fear. i'll find him a good place before he bonds too much. that's my number one mission right now. (want a doggie?) :)

Eddie..

here's the BIG introduction...eddie (all 8 lbs of adult poodle bliss)! we are officially a family TODAY! AHHH!

hopefully we are growing on each other more and more. i had to give him a bath, and i'm not sure he was impressed. what can i say...i had to get the smell of the pound out of him. now he's "wet dog"...ick...but it'll get better.

this will definitely be a challenge for me. taking care of someone else with a mind of their own is not something i'm used to, but hopefully i'll learn a ton of lessons and give him a good home.

adorable...he's sleeping on his back. hahaha! get comfy!

Culture Fair!!!

oh my gosh...my kids did an AWESOME job on the culture fair!!!! i was SOOO impressed!

every year we try to do a fair of sorts, complete with displays and judges...science fair, speech meet, etc. we try to add to them when we can to keep building on our academic program. this year, we added a culture fair. kids chose countries to study. they covered everything from geography, demographics, religions, traditions/customs, etc. they also had to come up with "extras" like costumes, dances, songs, food, etc.

did i mention food?? hehe...yum!

well, i'm mucho exhausted but primo proud of what they did. one of the teachers suggested doing it as a community event next time...totally good idea.

No Baby Yet...

you'll have to see the blog below to know what i'm talking about.

this little one was such a sad case. i've never really seen a broken dog before...but she was. it makes me nauseous to think about what people have done to her. i just didn't feel comfortable taking her though. not that she was terrible...she just needs someone who can take care of her all the time.

wow...that was pretty horrible.

my search will continue...

My Baby?

ok. so, here's the deal. i'm going to meet a little lapdog tomorrow. i'm SO nervous! she's a maltese...all of 8 pounds!! she has kind of a sad story and is therefore a little bit fearful, but she's a very affectionate little lady when she gets the chance. (seems a bit familiar...hehe). right now, she looks RIDICULOUS. hahaha...oh my gosh, she has a ponytail on top of her head and a tutu. in my house, the only costuming for her will be a bikini...modesty first in the summer sun. ;) i'm going to get her trimmed up so she's not so "doll" like. this girl's gotta have fun.

did i mention that i'm nervous? i'm hyperventilating.

This Message Will Self-Destruct In...

do you ever have moments where you experience so much frustration that if you actually opened your mouth to vent, something realllllly bad could happen? something like an ebola outbreak or a nuclear meltdown or quadrupalage of national debt, etc.

OH...MY...GOSH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ok, that's all.

Grandpa

today would have been my grandpa's 99th birthday. my mom told me that tonight. as soon as she said it, my eyeballs were drowning. oh, i miss him so much! it makes me want to cry my eyes out.

he was such a special man. i could tell so many stories about him. little things like our shared passion for au gratin potatoes or butterscotch candies, singing "you are my sunshine" over and over, all the delight that i felt when i was around him...

i think i'll go give him some flowers tomorrow.

happy birthday, grandpa! i love you so much and can't wait to see you again some day!

Two More Down!

i had another sermon experience! they let me try out a 2-week series!! it was definitely a challenge for me (as it always is), but i'm so thankful for the mentoring in the process.

there are two big challenges for me each time. the first is the personal battle with stepping into more opportunites like this. it's interesting how even the areas that we really want to be released into can be so terrifying. i find that it actually pulls on a lot of internal junk...but i suppose that's good in the long-run. the other struggle is with speaking to adults. as a teacher, i'm used to talking to kids..and i'm older...so they have to listen to me...or pretend. :) but speaking to adults???...whoa, way intimidating. i'm younger than many of them, so i'm always worried about offending people, having the wrong information, etc.

i really felt like this last series, though, helped me greatly. my mentor-pastors really helped me wrestle with the topic and come to some good conclusions. i felt more confident than i have in a while.

good stuff!

Single Ladies...

WARNING!...NOT for the guys!!!

ladies, sometimes beyonce kills me. this is a song that some of my kids really like lately..."single ladies". it's kind of about moving on. i have no idea what in the world is with her outfit and/or moves...but oh well...she's hilarious!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVEGfH4s5g

OH!!!...and...

the moves!!! HAHA! (i'm actually working on it!!!...shhh!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcCQwImNd3c&feature=related

Mmmm-hmm! Sometimes a song just says it all..

HAHAHA! i was going through old cds the other morning in search of a particular old song. i came across a cd that my friend kris made for me a while ago...she called it 'theme songs for sarah'. i'd forgotten about this one!!! sometimes, you just have to open a can of this...hehe.

Shout Out to Nudity

HAHAHA...here's another one that i can relate to!

gotta part with the need to eat a broccoli spear per day...go for the burger and run naked! ;)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/70857/reel-moments-streak#x-4,cShort%20Film,1

The Trap

i'm a "hulu.com" fan. it's been so fun catching up on oldies but goodies. lately, i've been watching a series of "shorts" by women directors. they have been so wonderful. well, this one made me cry. the beginning was a little odd, but oh the end...so sweet!

"it's not about hanging on. it's about letting go."

http://www.hulu.com/watch/70854/reel-moments-the-trap#x-4,cShort%20Film,1

Improving my Spitting Ability

i haven't been able to spit just right for my whole life. i've just been incapable of getting the "spray" under control. hehe. well, the movie 'titanic' got me thinking that i could get practicing a bit more...k, maybe not in public, but i could definitely start taking advantage of opportunities.

well, it's been so hard to learn!! messy, people! messy!

but!!! i'm finally getting it down!!

on my walks with debbie lately i've been seeing HUGE improvement!!! hocking it back, bringing it up, flipping it out...spectacular!

yes, i know it's a bit on the 'bizarre' side...but it's on my list!!! so, it must be done! :)

It happened again...

every now and then i refer to an experience that i have sometimes with feeling emotions that aren't mine. it's strange, i know...but it's some sort of intercessory thing. now that i'm more familiar with it...(used to think it was me losing my mind)...i'm more prompted to pray for them.

well, it happened again this weekend. about took my breath away.

it was a sense of deep despair. a face that shined that million dollar smile, but a look in his eyes that bore screams of pain.

yowza...it's a good thing that we have a big, loving god and the weapon of prayer!

A Reason That I Love My Job

today, a parent walked into my office. i was with another teacher chatting up a storm. well, the parent has had some challenges with her son...pretty overwhelmed...so she came to ask us to pray with her. so, we did!

isn't that how it should be?

ya, it's one of the "perks" of my job. love it!

God's Ear

melise and i went to see stephen in a play called 'god's ear' last night.

it...was...phenomenal!

a really tough topic...grieving parents in the death of their child. masterfully real! stephen was amazing! two completely different roles but wonderfully done.

man, that was great!

sometimes...

sometimes in the night
when all is quiet
after the day's buzzing has been silenced...
i miss the lightning bugs.

i miss the starry skies.
the big red moon.
the walks and talks 'til all hours.
the sunrise.

i miss the tumbleweeds.
the songs, the lyrics,
teeny, tiny folded papers.
paintings, the rainbow connection.

and i wonder about yesterday, today, tomorrow.
about what was, and what will be.
i open my hand with hope for a new day.
with expectation of god's symphony.

yet in the quiet of some lonely nights
out of places long laid to rest
i just sometimes miss...him.

Boutique Bread

i switched to making my own bread a couple of months ago. my mom had a bread machine that she wasn't using, so she allowed me to borrow it. it seriously is pennies to make bread nowadays...i'm so glad i switched.

well, my sis and new sis-in-law do a boutique sale a couple of times a year. it's very cool! joy asked if i'd want to put some bread in the sale just to see if it'd sell. so i agreed and have since been learning how to oven-bake after the machine does all the tough stuff...hehe.

good gravy!!! i never expected that i'd sell any, but all of the loaves have been going! i've been getting no sleep just to make more after work. i even borrowed jody's to double-time!!

the odd thing???...people will pay more than a grocery store price for "boutique bread". apparently, a ribbon changes everything...hehe.

no complaints from me!!! :)

The Floaty Pill

so, i've been taking these supplements this week, but it's been very difficult because not only are these horse pills but they also float. swallowing has been a massive challenge complete with dry heaving and capsuls stuck to my cheeks and the roof of my mouth. but...thanks to the strategic part of my personality, i discovered a swallowing tip. (yes, i'm a nerd...but that's not the tip.)

tilt your head forward so the pill floats to the back of your throat (which when tilted is the "top"). swallowing is super easy then!!

why is this "blog-worthy"???...i have no idea. hehe...i've just been dreading the pill swallow for an entire week. pheww! :)

The Stapler

i've been super out of it the last couple days from lack of sleep. in my "zoned" state, i've been noticing a greater propensity to be dazzled by the tiny things. for example, this morning i went to put staples in my stapler, and realized....10 minutes later...that i had just enjoyed the intricacies of my stapler. i opened it...i closed it...i opened it...i examined the spring...was shocked to find it to be a more complicated set-up than i'd ever thought.

yes, i know if means that i need a nap...BUT...it also means that staplers are incredible! :)