The Trooper

the thing about having a friend or sibling that is a counselor is that you need to prepare yourself for the words that will come flying out of their mouths. it's a good thing in my opinion because sometimes the heart just needs permission to feel...but never-the-less, one should brace themselves.

my sis was talking about a friend last night who recently had a heart-wrenching break-up with a guy. i was completely shocked because it was evident for so long that there was a lot of love there. anyway, joy was talking about a conversation she recently had with the friend...saying to her that she really was praying that she'd be able to have a relationship someday where she wouldn't always have to be the "trooper". and of course, the friend was very much moved in that moment.

i have to say that no sooner did those words pop out of joy's mouth than i felt like my heart got a snake bite. caught me very much off guard.

but if god reveals that the shoe fits, we better take the opportunity to wear it...at least for a little while!

so i was up most of last night wrestling with that and thinking about the last couple of years. and with a little devastation found it very eye-opening to see the "trooper" in myself. something that i've not really wanted as the main self-descriptor...

and while i really believe that god's wired women with an unusual fierceness...a "trooper" ability...there are times where we use our gifting in places where it's not actually been called upon. so, part of me is a little weary, recalling places where that had to be the case...now just exhausted after it's over. and other spots...i am a little angry at the places where i decided to be the stubborn (maybe "determined" is the better term) "stick with it" person. or perhaps i'm actually angry at the places where that's all i ended up being. ahhh...the culmination of many "trooper" identities.

so, i guess i'm thinking about that. like my sis's friend, i really would like to find a relationship someday where i don't have to be a "trooper" too. in actuality, i'm realizing that the "brace myself" mentality may have been the thing that caused my nagging anxiety...that hesitation to be real. how can you after all when the other shoe is always going to drop? i want a relationship where there is a sacred place of rest...that area that breeds a sense of safety. hmm, intimacy. i'd rather be the "trooper" out of that foundation.

the cool thing is that this is something i believe god is teaching me with him. he's showing me a place of rest that allows me to display myself to him...lets me see him as he is. a beautiful vulnerability comes out there with him. and ironically, i actually feel authentic strength there.

it would be cool if that could overflow into a relationship with a man someday too. i would like that anyway...

so, a prayer for a girl a long ways away who has a broken heart...and for another who is also on the mend.