Asking for help...not an easy thing for me!

one of the bummers of having a job where i make basically nothing...is that i'm vulnerable when and if something goes wrong. i have a supportive family...well, and an amazing god. so, i've learned more and more how to live moment to moment and ever so slowly am learning to find my security in god. man, it's been tough sometimes, especially because of how important 'security' can be to us chics, but ever so graciously god is showing me things that i can rest in that i couldn't years ago.

taking care of self...not necessary. at least, not as defiantly as i have chosen.

granted it's not an easy lesson for me to learn...i'm only recently becoming comfortable with my vulnerability. to me, weakness has always been unacceptable. independence first, you know?

well, lately god's been using some of those normal malfunctions and breakdowns to show me some other things. he's been opening my eyes to the notion that my unwillingness to be "weak" (in my eyes) and embrace my vulnerability is actually a part of not being able to receive love as fully as he's made me to.

it's the fear of dependence...even for help...that actually robs me from receiving love from others...and giving others the opportunity to love me.

causes a jaw-drop frankly...

so today my engine light came on AGAIN!!! the only hitch was that my parents (dad is always my rescuer) and my sis/bro-in-law weren't available. i actually had to consider calling people that could be outside of my safe zone.

i felt so awkward and like a major inconvenience...but apparently god thinks it's a great step!! :) i'm super trying to be on the same page of excitement as he is...hehe. turns out...this whole dependence on each other thing...his heart for each other in community...might not be such a bad deal.

OH...and my car??? turns out the psycho squirrel has been chewing my engine wires. little sh##...sorry! it's just that my heart for community so does NOT include the furry nut job. his days are soooooo numbered.