So...I keep stumbling upon this issue. I watch friends of mine wrestle with this...and some being victims of it...and I see it enough that it's causing me some drama.
Here's the situation...
Because of some personal struggles in one spouse, the other has to remove himself/herself from things or people he/she loves. The thought, I'd imagine, is that such removal will make the spouse less angry/frustrated...bringing peace to the marriage. BUT...most of those times the actual issue isn't the one's passions/pursuits...those just become the scapegoat or sacrificial lamb while the struggling spouse gets away with surfacy comfort without calling "a spade, a spade".
It's enough that it's making me so sad for friends that are losing what they love...and so sad for their spouses that are accepting a life of "less" for the one they love just so they don't have to grow...
It's enough that I think it actually shouldn't have to be that way...
So I want to know what you think...please comment. :)
10 comments:
Remember when I said that I wanted to be the sick one for a change? That I get tired of having to be the strong one...the one with the answers and the one who needs to be level headed all of the time? I think every marriage has "seasons" (hate that word) where the one spouse has the limelight of ugliness for a time and the other one gets to step aside and weather out the storm..and it can last for years. That persons passions and ambitions take a back seat yes..the problem is if the stronger person dies (figuratively speaking) and just becomes a codependent limb of the sick spouse. It is a fine line and scary to walk it, but there is hope to come out healthy on the other end. Sometimes there isn't that happy ending though :(
I'm going to post comments from another site where I asked the same question. :)
I will be happy to write you a book in a private message if you like. For me, it took 9 years before I figured out,he wasn't going to change. I couldn't do it any more. -B
Dale Kaufman was just speaking earlier this afternoon about 'Foundations for Marriage" and how, if we are to be like Jesus, we must first approach others, including our spouse, with grace, and then truth...grace to accept the other person for who he/she is...without expectations for change...a tall order! -M
You know, a few weeks ago I asked my parents what makes for a long-term, successful relationship (they have been married for 41 years). Both of them said and agreed that one of the most important things is being interested in your partner's interests, or at least making the effort to show and maintain interest. I think if someone has to sacrifice their "dreams, relationships, and expressions of talent", then obviously their partner is not interested in them as they should be. As Becky said, people don't magically change once they are in a relationship, but I think the key is making sure that both parties are willing to genuinely show interest in what their spouse is interested in. -S
Sacrificing too much for a dysfunctional spouse isn't good for you and only enables them to remain as they are. However, the focus should never be on changing them, but displaying unconditional love as Michele said, and focus on your own personal growth with the help of the Lord and a good Christian support system. If they can't handle where you're going, they have to make the decision to come around or check out. Marriage is a lifelong covenant, a very sacred thing, a type of Christ and his church. -G
The fact that you consider it a sacrifice is sort of a red flag. We should be doing whatever for our spouse ( even friends) because we desire to. If we consider it a sacrifice it may be causing resentment and there may be other issues. I will pray for you both and hope you can reach a mutual benefit resolution. God Bless. -R
I like your question cause I've been trying to figure that one out without much success. I think there is a fine line between becoming an enabler and tough love. I've done both. I know that you can't be the Holy Spirit for your spouse but can pray for God to heal the heart. I believe that if you are really (one) with your spouse, you will have similiar desires and dreams. Just as if we are one with God we desire to do His will. Unfortunatelly sin and the flesh get in the way of this perfect relationship. -K
And I suppose it can be tricky because some of the things we pursue can be very much born out of our dysfunctions...thus things that we shouldn't pursue. Frustrating. -Me
Super duper respectfully, I have to disagree, R. I think it's a red flag to not ask if we are robbing our spouse of opportunities to become, grow and develop. Especially when it is due to dysfunctions that we don't want to work on. My heart grieves for those that have to lose a genuine outlet for a passion/gifting to another's dysfunction. -Me
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