Ka-Blew-Y!

well...it happened like i was hoping it wouldn't. the situation i've referred to a couple of times blew up. this person definitely needs a lie to be reinforced, and i don't know how they can even begin the journey towards truth when the cards are stacked against them (mental illness, etc.).

one thing i will say is that god definitely was looking out for me. one of my sisters was over because i've been ill (her son was mowing my lawn for me)...otherwise, i would have been alone. pheww! all i could do was disagree with the lies (rejection, lack of worth), and that definitely wasn't what the person wanted.

my role now??...definitely prayer. i'm sure the individual will not want to be around me, and i get that. it's hard to have others saying "no, you are valuable." when you don't want to hear it. boy, it's interesting how, on occasion, love feels like it cuts like a knife...we'd sometimes rather live in pain and anger to avoid it.

Baklava!

since i'm stuck inside today trying to shake a low-grade temp, i thought i'd whip out my 'life list' and cross something off if possible. today, it's baklava. if you haven't tasted it or heard of it, this is a greek dessert. not everyone enjoys it because it has a nutty flavor, but being an addict of anything honey, i LOVE it.

one cool thing that i'm totally getting all giddy over is phyllo dough. oh my gosh, it's the thinnest stuff i've ever worked with. much fun.

ahh, the life of the easily amused! ;)

(oh...and for those that need to have the 'paper' update...yes, i'm working on that too.)

UPDATE!!!...it turned out GREAT!!!! i'm thinking 'death by baklava' isn't a bad way to go...hehe.

Down with Puking!

ugh...yep, you guessed it. i had a bout with...vomit. (perhaps you won't want to read further...)

i HATE puking! hate, loath, despise, and all other synonyms. it majorly freaks me out. everything feels out of control...makes me momentarily fearful. ish.

when i was younger, my mom used to hold my hair while i hurled like there was no tomorrow. it was always so comforting. i almost called her the other night...but realized that nowadays a call at 3am for a puke rally might royally challenge our relationship.

i, of course, would not call my dad. no offense! he would have been the hair holder when i was little too, but also being a man of "action", i have to part ways with his approach. there was one time when i was so sick...nothing would come up. i was actually begging for it to up-chuck. dad came in and...prayed. :) he asked jesus to help me throw-up. literally moments later, i was catapulting down the hallway with the projectile sort. that's the ONLY time i was "for" vomit. hence, why i will not ask him over mid-flu. his prayers...get answered and tend to not agree with gravity! ;)

oh well...hopefully it has all passed and won't EVER happen again.

The Peace Pillow Returns

well, my heart has landed on the peace pillow again. it's not numbed by any means...it's still got it's questions. but today, i've noticed a serenity cushioning it all.

i've been doing a unique prayer lately when my heart gets all upset. i'm more of a visual prayer, so i should maybe call it more of a visualization. while i definitely have areas that trust the heart of god, the places that i become of aware of that don't have been getting a special treatment. i've been picturing myself pounding a stake into the ground. the stake has "god is good" written on it. i guess i'm pounding it in as a declaration that this area will know that to be true regardless of the outcomes. i'm claiming the territory in a way. i still have the incredible freedom to ask my questions, but i'm declaring who god says he is at the same time.

being consistent with that stops the swirl of negativity, and the spiraling is becoming replaced with peace.

hmm...

Why can't Eddie just be nice??

i've been catching up on episodes of 'october road'. one of the characters is super intriguing to me...eddie. in the latest episode, he starts to like a regular girl instead of being just a dude that "conquers hottie-ville". she's not a playboy model...but she's wonderful through and through. the weird thing is that eddie struggles to just be nice sometimes. it's like he doesn't know who he is apart from a shallow skirt chaser...so he's mean to the "normal girl" on occasion.

it's weird...

why can't eddie...heck, why can't some guys...just be nice to us girls??? hmmm...

Update

in a previous blog i wrote about a situation with someone that struggles with some mental/emotional challenges. i was very aware of my lack of patience but also of how difficult it is to hold up boundaries...especially when you know that healthy boundaries can cause pain to a boundary-less person.

well, in the time since that blog it's been quite interesting. some positives for sure, but i've been having to practice patience...not an easy thing for me. i'm assuming that the maintenance of good boundaries will be tested, which will be a difficult thing. however, when i think about it, the pain of having to bump into a boundary is momentary compared to the pain that's allowed to oppress a sad soul. in reality, having no boundaries only adds to that deeper pain, and i'm not ok with standing by while that happens. so i have to keep chosing to be the "bad guy of boundaries" rather than a co-dependent contributor to more illness.

the major obstacle???...which is not unique to a mental illness...how much someone needs a lie to be true. the degree to which we need that lie to be true is reflected in how much we are willing to take any and all situations and interpret them in a way that validates that lie. in other words, we'll take any situation and make it somehow say that our lie is true. once we decide that someone has validated our lie, we feel incredible permission to hate, gossip, throw fits...it can go on and on and on...

example: if i need to believe the lie that 'i'm worth rejecting', i'll take even a glance from a complete stranger as proof that "yep! they are rejecting me". i will then spiral into whatever behaviors and thoughts work to comfort myself.

the bummer is...no one can trump that lie until the individual is willing to consider that it might NOT be true... it's our disagreement with it that begins our journey to freedom...and that's a terribly difficult thing to do. misery at least feels familiar...and familiar feels safe sometimes. i definitely know this to be true in my own life.

compound that lie business, though, with the affliction of chemical imbalances or anything else contributing to a mental illness and it becomes almost impossible to rise up in someone's life and say "that lie is NOT true!!".

frustrating...enter my patience problem. hehe.

so...all that to say...my major role has to be one of prayer. i'll continue the boundaries, which may end the interaction entirely because they may want to keep on validating their own lies, but i'll keep praying a good counsellor or doctor will enter the scene regardless to help clear some of the fog that makes things worse...

Accountability Group: Week 1

it's an interesting thing, being ok with doing things for self. i was realizing that i don't usually need a lot of accountability doing things for others...although i can be a procrastinator from time to time. completing things that are for me...well, that's a different story.

so, this accountability group is a pretty good thing for me.

one of the group members talked about how much we are chosing to join in with god in his joy over us.

that can be a hard thing!!!

so...status report?...i met 2 of my 3 goals. :)

Heaven Blast

oh my gosh...i watched this and bawled!!!! it's so wonderful!!! i think it's what heaven's going to be like...:) it's certainly what god's love is like...plus, it's great fun!!

(and i massively love this song...it's a ton like what jesus would say...hehe...he's so hot!)

AWESOME clip

A Hankering for my Summer Cone

remembering, of course, that i remember most of my life based on what i was eating at the time...sorry, it's true.

deb, joy, grandma and i went to the grand canyon several years ago. we all needed a 'get away' and thought that a flight to vegas and a mini road trip was the way to get that 'gone' feeling. well, one day, after tromping all over the canyon sites, we were hot, sweaty, and exhausted. we naturally decided to find an ice cream cone to go along with our perfect summer day.

my choice??...a cone with a scoop of chocolate chip mint and a scoop of strawberry.

ta-da!!!...the birth of my 'taste of summer'.

i've been wanting one of those lately, and i'm on the look-out for some real, hard ice cream to satisfy my hankering. (down with soft serve!!!)

Smile...

i heard this song on the radio yesterday and about squealed out of my skin. i'm not usually into 'uncle kracker' songs, but this one made me think about god so...had to find it. it doesn't officially get released until september, so i'm not sure how long this link will even be able to be up...but for the split second that someone was able to put it on youtube...enjoy!

Smile by Uncle Kracker

Exciting Church Stuff

it's not really new news that i LOVE church. :) i used to not enjoy it that much for a whole host of reasons. god started working on my heart in some personal areas, and somehow through it i ended up loving to fellowship with the people at my church. i wanted to worship with them (swing from the chandeliers if i could...hehe). i started to want to be mentored by the "olders"...in fact, i wanted to be friends with them too. haha. it's been a really cool experience to have that happen personally in the midst of a cool 'community' thing that god has been doing in the corporate body. corporate worship is happening, learning is happening, fellowship is happening...and a TON of FUN too! :)

(oh...and by the way...i totally get that tons of great stuff is happening in churches all over...so please don't think i'm only all about my fellowship place.) :)

well, today, something cool happened. the elders of the church granted a ministry license to a man (his wife soon to follow). ben and abby are a young couple that love the lord more than life itself. they have a passion for young people...but even more, they have a heart for "bringing heaven to earth". i love it because they have a bigger picture of what faith is about...not just getting a "get outta hell" card. their heart is for "becoming" in this lifetime.

the other thing i love about it is that ben and abby are not "newtons". hahahahaha. i just love it because i think some people get the impression that only "newtons" minister at my church. not true at all, but because there are a lot of us that go there, it can look like it. i think my family just likes to be together. :) and, if you know anything about being a "newton", the word "family" is quite broadly defined....heck, i probably consider you to be related...hehe. anyway, i love that ministry is a matter of the heart...not the bloodline. i'm so excited for ben and abby and all that god has for them.

OH...my sis debbie sent some pics from the last two picnic sundays at church.

this first one is from 'sewer pipe sunday'. :) we do ice cream sundae assembly races. much fun!

brandy's team won!!! (i got to be on that team too!!!) winning means getting cherries to top your sundae.

this is water balloon/wiffle ball sunday. water mayhem would be a better description.

Living with Desire..SUCKS!...but It's Living...

i've been doing a lot of thinking about "desire" lately. being a person that god graciously called back into existence...awakening the heart...has meant having to "deal" with the essence of humanity known as "desire". most of us learn to kill off desire so that we aren't disappointed by life, or we learn to feed it with lesser pleasures (we suck the life out of people/things trying to convince ourselves that it's making it all feel better). both of those responses get us no where.

BUT...i've been finding...that living with desire ain't no picnic either. it's agreeing to experience life head on...all the beauty (Yay!!)...and the pain.

so i've been begging god for some answers. i've been pissed off, been confused...but i've been real with him. (apologies to those that have noticed that in previous blogs...)

so i've been thinking up a blog about some things that i've been realizing and remembered that i'd already put some of my ponderings in an email to one of my pastors. i'll explain more about what i'm thinking when i can find better words. here goes...

hi, ryan! so it's no surprise that i've been doing a TON of pondering about desire and my frustrations with it (and God). ;) and i think i've been having some realizations...the first one was confirmed in bible study this morning on page 13 of the desire book. "we must listen to desire, look at it carefully, let it guide us through the false routes and dead ends."

i think i have been getting so riled up by the discomfort associated with desire...reacting to it...rather than listening to it. i'm guessing that each time the message could be different. sometimes it reveals a falsehood. maybe other times there are directions...encouragements to risk, move ahead, etc. this last one has been allowing a huge inaccuracy to be revealed as to how i view god in some of my places of desire. the ramifications of the 'if-then' god...my pride, strangely, gives me permission to then hold god to expectations...oh dear...but it also feeds an "i'm worth being used...and that's exactly what he's up to" message about god. yowza...but so eye-opening. heart-opening, actually. :)

so...learning to listen to the messages of the rumblings...rather than being so quick to satiate them, point blame, kill them...

i'm guessing that desire is actually one of the finest gifts aside from relationship (with god). it's a way that we can tap into him...the real him...if we will listen long enough. hmm...

what do you think?

-s

Retiring My Shoes...

well, i'm having a funeral today for my tennis shoes. i've never loved a pair more. hehe. growing up as a tall girl made clothes and shoe shopping a little traumatic. in these days of taller girlies, it's massively easier, but back then...oh my gosh...it was awful. when it came to athletic shoes...men's. it didn't bother me all that much because their tennies always seemed a little "cooler". haha. but, man...when tennis shoes went to larger sizes in women's, i thought i was in heaven. i got to be "girlie" (a hint of pink) but still athletic. :)

so, a farewell to my tennie bumpers.

(don't tell...but my new ones have even MORE pink...hehe)

GPS Training...and Geocaching Fun!!!

i went geocaching with jen again today! fun, fun, fun!!!! i know i'm in the realm of "nerd"...but i just don't care!!! :) it's a great adventure...and a wonderful time with friends. :)

today, jen and i tried some caches at the local state park. we walked all over the place, but it was a great time!

the other cool thing is that i'm slowly learning more about how to use my little gps unit. today, i learned about setting the navigation system. ohhhh yes, that little feature lets me do caching with "assistance". i turn this little button on, and it tells me where to turn and in how many seconds... some would say that using that option makes me a pansy...but...i do love being a pansy. hehe.

so today's results were 4 out of 5. not a perfect score, but pretty good!!

My Pavlova!

i made my first pavlova!!! it wasn't 'excellent', but considering how hard it is to make those, i gave myself an 'a' for effort...hehe. (i love my grading system...). when we lived in australia, i was introduced to this dessert. i fell in love with it immediately. i think that the next time i make it, i'll have my mom come. she's more experienced in the ways of beating egg whites and making whipping cream.

but hey!!!...another item off the list!!!

When a real man cries...

oh my gosh...it's HOT!

sorry, i'm not in the camp that thinks tears are wussy.

when a heart-man cries, i get all braveheart-lovin'...and want to lunge with my "shoulder" to cry on and go wherever he's headed.

i just saw one on hulu.com and about broke my laptop. after i came to (blackout after diving at screen), i realized the man was in my computer and not my living room.

dang it. ;)

Good Goals...

so, i joined an accountability group!! it's going to be a good thing. everyone in it is there for different reasons. well, yesterday, we were supposed to identify particular goals that we have and then tell everyone our goals for the week. one thing quickly surfaced...setting achievable goals is a difficult thing. it's too easy to make these massive goals...and then be quickly conquered by their immediate "unachieve-ability". :)

so...i'm practicing the art of setting good goals.

i have my larger, more lofty ones...but i'm setting more workable mini-goals...all in the move to get closer towards my larger ones.

one of the people in my group was able to identify that he's more able to move towards his larger goal of losing weight if he achieves these two mini-goals during the week: 1) drink 8 glasses of water each day and 2) eat 5 servings of fruit. he's noticed that if he is able to do those things, the other healthier decisions tend to just follow. i thought that was pretty awesome.

so, i'm making some mini-goals this week. :) since my thesis is the major road block to my larger goals, the "mini's" are in her direction. (yes, my thesis is a "girl".)

Willow Trees...

i hate 'em.

sorry, it's true.

rarely do i have a strong opinion "for" or "against" anything, but in this case...AHHH!

they just freak me out.

(thanks for letting me get it out...) ;)

What to do...

i never know what to do when a mentally ill person comes into my life. i'm definitely not an expert on the in's and out's of it all. add in the possibility, on occasion, of some demonic influence...and i'm all thumbs.

but here's the other kicker...

i'm not an especially mercy-motivated person. (thank god for mental health workers that are!!) i'm usually more concerned about the others that are affected by the unbounded illness. maybe that's the other side of the mercy coin.

so...how should i respond to a person with a mental affliction?

i can put in friendship/assistance/help for a time...but then i notice a lack of patience building. thinking about it more...i guess i'm mostly referring to the mentally ill person that isn't pursuing healing and/or meds. it's a spiralling that i just can't take. my dad and the other experienced people in my life say to continue to have clear boundaries...which i'm doing...but it always feels mean. the thing is...in my experience...to not have some boundaries actually invites more spiralling, so i guess it's the way to go.

it's just frustrating...

Ode to Bateau...

ok, i have to admit a deep, deep secret.

i'm madly in love with a neckline.

bateau. it's the 'straight across' cut...doesn't take the loop of a crew.

i don't know why the cut of a dress or top would even remotely stand out to me...but in this case...oh my gosh...i'm in heaven.

combo this with an empire waist???...better than...chocolate. eh-hem. (oh...empire waists are above the natural waist. usually below the bust-line to be specific. hehe.)

Swimming with Dolphins

i'm to the point in my education career where i'm starting to see former students in adulthood, doing things with their lives. sometimes it's a little depressing...other times it's pure delight. here's one that i had the privilege of graduating. he always wanted to be in a band...and is! looks like he's having fun too! i saw him at a tapeball game last weekend, and he seems really happy. :)

so here's austin tofte in 'swimming with dolphins'. if you 'youtube' him, it's actually pretty awesome how they use computers and such to create their sound.

Let's get "Radical"

for some reason that title makes me think of olivia newton john. weird.

anyhoo...back to topic.

i'm always so interested by the christians that want to be "different". they usually want to be a part of a new move, a revolution, something "radical". at least, those are the words they use...and the passion usually comes from a pretty genuine place.

then they begin to build a sort of linguistic collage...word pictures...to define what the "new" new should look like.

they commit to taking care of the homeless, feeding orphans, living off the land, ending poverty, creating new/better ways of doing 'church' and/or 'community', withdrawing from the 'churchies' all together, obliterating hiv from the map, eliminating the sex trade, etc.

but in my mind...those things are sub-points...details...not remotely the defining points for 'radical', 'revolution', the 'new' new...regardless of how 'good' the cause is.

here's how i know that those things were never meant to be the core driving point for any movement...people make those passions into the standards...the dividing lines...the judging stick...the pat on the back for self...the thing that convinces them that they are moving in god's will.

i hate to say it, but those things aren't radical at all. there is no revolution in any of those.

here's what is mind-blowingly "rad, dude"...

living in active acceptance of god's love...not just standing in the flow of it, but letting it permeate our hearts (even the secret things)...plunking ourselves right in the center of god's heart...letting him be 'abba' (daddy)...and then moving in sway with his rhythm.

allowing a real relationship...

THAT'S a revolutionary way to live. ironically, it's the ancient way that can never get old. it's only 'new' because we settled for less and accepted 'boring' and 'impotent' as synonyms for 'normal'.

that way of life...well, it creates genuine freedom and becoming in the most internal places of the heart...actually produces a natural and powerful outflow of love for the world...a transforming, saving love as seen in mercy and supply for the poor, the homeless, the sick, the lost; as seen in powerful stewardship of possessions, gifts, people; as seen in a heart for fellowship and community across barriers, generations, races, etc. BUT...instead of being born out of an attempt to define or better self, to create or glean identity, to have a measurable behavioral standard for 'good christian', and whatever other more external motivations, they just flow out of god's heart right to ours...secondary to just being his.

(ya, that's my collage for the radical way...being his girl...or boy...) ;)

and regardless of whether my heart then moves for the homeless man or the pregnant girl or the christian youth or the overwhelmed mom or the rotary club or all the trees that need huggin'...it doesn't matter. we are joined in the primary, defining point...our 'radical' relationship with the divine.

i'd like to see a revolution of that these days...

i'm just sayin'...hehe.

The Sweetness of the Shared Struggle

have you ever experienced the blessing of the shared struggle? not anything that comes with solutions, answers or strategies. no, it's just the sweet realization that someone else is wrestling with similar questions too.

i had one of those today when i met up with a friend that i don't get to see all that often. in the course of conversation, we both switched into uber-real mode and found that we are both on very similar messy, scribbly pages...and that feels so great.

it means that i'm not completely insane...or that my lack of sanity has company. i think god wanted me to know that for some reason.

you know what i've decided???...active wrestling (the kind that doesn't always look pretty) is its own move towards surrender...and the life that comes out of it.

Swearing...the pain reliever?

hahahahaha! debbie sent this to me today. i thought it was hilarious.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31852963/from/ET/

PA Recharge

one of my primary love languages is physical affection, and my quotient has been a little low lately. doses of stress and burnout tend to draw on my reserves. :) so, i had a massage. she came right to my house this morning and set up the table in my living room. pure heaven.

Such Fun!!

i was invited to a tapeball tournament yesterday. it was so much fun!!!

along the lines of 'field of dreams', our friend created an entire field devoted to tapeball in his yard. an infield and outfield, fencing, a scoreboard, a bleecher section.

unbelievable!!!

and totally fun!...aside from my anger problem related to competition...;)

When Kids are in the Picture

meeting men that have kids is an interesting situation.

don't get me wrong...it's not that i don't want kids...not true at all! i would love that and totally don't care how they come. it's just that kids' hearts are also important, and i want to be very careful about doing anything that would cause unnecessary pain. granted, change is a tough thing for anyone, and i'm sure there's always some measure of discomfort in any transition. but the weight of wanting to do the right thing by them causes me to tread carefully. always has.

i wonder, though, how that personal imperative looks to others. sometimes, i think it seems like i'm distant and/or disinterested. bummer. so how does that work? how should it? should it at all?

see what it's like in my head???

Ohhhhh, I get it.

do you ever have one of those "ah-hah" moments where you finally get a bigger picture of what's been going on? man, i just had one of those, and i'm actually a little relieved.

time to get back on the horse...

Thinking about David

i'm so glad that david was able to get some of his material into the bible. hehe...:) when i read his psalms, i'm so thankful. he holds nothing back. when he's got questions, he asks them. doubts?...he raises them. frustrations?, hurts?, fears?...yep, he holds nothing back.

but you know what else he has?...praises.

his "get real" also affords him the opportunity to see miracles.

he gets to see god trace his finger across the eternal lifeline.

here's one that i stumbled across the other morning. it helped me to remember to keep my perspective wide and open when it's tempting to get narrow. why?...because squinting in the times of questioning can make us forget all to quickly the array of god-moments where he whispers, "i'm here. i've got you. i'll never let go."

Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

List Items

i've been thinking of some list items. one that i need, need, need to do is fly my kite. i bought one a long time ago and was hoping to fly it. it's even on my list...but i didn't do it at the time. so...re-igniting that flame.

another one is to go to sitka, alaska. i've also wanted to do this but remembered it only recently. when i was in junior high, my dad and i would read louis lamour books together on camping trips. the first one we read was called 'sitka'. i decided then that i'd go visit that town. i didn't remember that until i saw a movie about it. so...on the list again!

ahhhh, lists. :)

Camping!

well, i actually had a ton of fun this week! who would have thunk that???

i decided to make the best of the things that i usually struggle with and ended up enjoying myself and my family more than i have in a long time. sometimes it's about letting myself be real and being cool with that, and other times it's about being a bit more patient and a little less selfish. i let myself do all of the above. not perfectly, i'm sure...but something helped. :)

here are some pics from the experience. :)

tons of hiking with debbie and a variety of others depending on who wanted to come. this is me "conquering" a rocky hill. ohhhh ya, i'm sure i was pretty intimidating. :)

my lovely hiking partners!!...AND, a piece of heaven for me. i LOVE forests that are FULL of ferns. it totally meets some of my "tactile" needs. walking and feeling the fern fronds...pure heaven. :)

dave and bonnie came too, so we tried out some geocaching! here's dave using his gps to find one.

the kids going through the cache. cool stuff!

mommy and i at another cache. one of the girls that came along discovered it on accident!! she lifted up a rock at a look-out and there it was. very cool!

had a great ride back with my nephew too! what a fab guy! :)

Blast from the Past

you know how we make all kinds of assumptions when we are young about people and situations? we take what we see, make an assessment of it, and decide "that's that". usually our perspective is tainted by our own hurt, twinges of selfishness perhaps, past experiences...and those experiences aren't necessarily "vast" enough to give us a dose of grace.

well, when i was in school, i played basketball. if it weren't for the tiny problem of hating to run, it would have been a blast. for some reason, though, playing in 9th grade was fun. we had a larger pool to pull from, and it was fun to be on a "team". we worked hard that year (at least i think so..hehe) and ended up winning consolation in the end-of-season tournament which felt like a huge accomplishment compared to the past years of "last place".

and then we found out that we were losing our trophy. alcohol issues with a team captain.

oh my gosh...i was PISSED!! i was in "loathe" mode.

and then i felt guilty for hating her as a good p.k. would, so i worked and worked and worked at feeling a bit of forgiveness.

you know what?...turns out that everyone has a story...and very few people are genuinely evil. in fact, most of us...well, we just get lost sometimes...and in that "lost-ness", we hurt people. the crazy thing is that it's possible to be a person that gets hurt sometimes who, along with the feelings, can exercise grace. hmm, who would have thunk it...oh ya...god! hehe.

well, i had the good fortune of running into her today. haven't seen her since 9th grade!!! and you know what???...she actually looked good...healthy!!! for my fellow highschoolers, you'll know how fantastic that is. :)

and i was really happy for her. :)

as it turns out...life ain't about trophies. it's about hearts...and that's very good news.

The Family Camping Trip

so i leave in exactly 24 hours for the family camping trip.

i have to be honest...i'm not a big fan.

i definitely enjoy aspects of it. i don't even mind sleeping in a tent. i love the hiking, and especially enjoy the times with my nieces and nephews (they are the ones that also don't go to bed at an early hour anymore).

it definitely pushes on buttons though, and i'm usually so glad when i can duck out a little early (not in a mean way...you'll see...).

the one that's being pushed lately is the "3rd wheel" one. if you are single, you know exactly what i'm talking about. not always, but in moments, it's hard to be the "individual" family unit...especially when the others are congregating in theirs. always switching seats so they can all sit together. being caught in the middle of their dynamics. frustrating.

it can cause a little lonliness. that's not constant though...and i totally get that life is full of moments like that no matter what someone's circumstances are...and those moments don't need to rule us or mean a thing. however, it's also that i end up with a lot of time on my hands, and i get reallllly bored.

so...here's to another trip. i'm trying to think of things i can be doing to stay more occupied when people are fishing and reading and sleeping...well, and to live up my singlehood a bit too. ;) all things can...and should...be enjoyed...hehe.

The Return of the "Options"

i have a variety of ways to get to town from my house. there's the main hwy (95) that i can quickly access or a zillion back roads. well, for the month of june, hwy 95 was being resurfaced (shout out to new tar, people), and a new culvert was put in between the lakes on either side. it was completely shut down, and i was sooooo incredibly irritated.

the funny thing about it is that i usually drive "to" work on the back roads just because i like the peace of nature in the mornings. but not having the option for an entire month???...wow, it really bugged me. the way i would normally have taken anyway was a huge pill simply because i couldn't have my "choice".

oh dear.

the good news is that the road is re-opened, and there is a TON of new tar to be enjoyed.

interesting lesson in "options" though. ya, i'm a brat. hehe.

Good Devo...

The Question Lodged Deep in Our Hearts 07/05/2009 (online devo for the day from 'the sacred romance' by eldredge)

The question lodged deep in our hearts, hidden from our conscious minds, is: “Do you care for me, God?”

What’s under that question?

Blaise Pascal, in his Pensées, says, “The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.” What’s under that question is our personal stories, often punctuated by the Message of the Arrows: parents who were emotionally absent; bedtimes without words or hugs; ears that were too big and noses that were too small; others chosen for playground games while we were not; and prayers about all these things seemingly met with silence. And embedded in our stories, deep down in our heart, in a place so well guarded that they have rarely if ever been exposed to the light of day, are other grief-laden and often angry questions: “God, why did you allow this to happen to me? Why did you make me like this? What will you allow to happen next?” In the secret places of our heart, we believe God is the One who did not protect us from these things or even the One who perpetrated them upon us. Our questions about him make us begin to live with a deep apprehension that clings anxiously to the depths of our hearts . . . “Do you really care for me, God?”

This is the question that has shipwrecked many of our hearts, leaving them grounded on reefs of pain and doubt, no longer free to accompany us on spiritual pilgrimage. We might be able to rationalize away that question by telling ourselves that we need to be more careful, or that sometimes others are just bad. We can even breathe a sigh of relief when we realize that trouble has come from our own sin. But even the careful, legalistic, and constricted lifestyle that arises out of thinking we can avoid trouble through our own devices shipwrecks when the Arrows seem to strike us out of nowhere. What are we to make of God’s wildness in allowing these things to happen?

When "God" Dies...

i read a story once about a man who quit believing in god. the implications of that moment wouldn't be realized until years later...including the fact that letting god die is sometimes the greatest gift you can give yourself and your heart's journey. why? because sometimes our ideas of "who" god is need to be killed so that truer visions can be owned.

so...god died for me this week. in actuality i murdered him with an anger from years and years of stuffed judgments. it's funny how we stumble upon areas that still believe old lies. we don't always know they are there because we are focused on our areas of new life...or we don't want to release those ones just yet. but they are there..areas that need to drudged up...areas that need a claim-stake for a deeper reality of loving truth.

and as i sat in church this morning, i realized that this death was a very good thing...

i'm just in the first steps of this movement, but the god that just "uses" me now has a gravestone. the one that would, above all things, pursue and love me fully so that i can love him back has entered the scene. there is a lot of unbelief that i'm slogging through...particulary related to a certain desire...but i sense a new wind is blowing and i believe he is on the move.

Yowza on the Control Stuff...

goodness, i got an dose of what it's like to live with a control freak tonight. sheesh, i was only a spectator, but i was completely shocked. wow...i'm not even sure what to say. it's left me...speechless.

.........

i can't decide if i should be grateful that i don't have a relationship situation like that or sad for a woman that's trapped in one that's so domineering...or both??

oh my gosh...i'm just...shocked.

it causes me to pause...and think...that...the only way a woman can stay in something like that is to lose her sense of self. hopefully, the thought of that is enough of a threat that she snaps out of it and at minimum asks for things to change. my gosh, to not??? the consequences for her are undeniably tragic...

no man was ever meant to need a woman to lose herself in order for him to feel like a man... if anything, he'd be walking in more of his true masculinity to help release her more and more into her true femininity...whatever that looks like.

wow...wow...wow.

New Books...Commence Twitching! :)

my order arrived today and i'm so excited...i could pee my pants. ok, i won't do that, but i'm seriously almost twitching with excitment.

the first one is "loving your kids on purpose: making a heart-to-heart connection'. i've heard soooo many great reviews about this one. i've also heard two interviews with the author. it seems absolutely wonderful. also, it's not just for the parent. i think there could be many parallels to how god parents us. :)

the second one is "sex god: exploring the endless connections between sexuality and spirituality". it's a book by rob bell (of nooma fame), and i've also heard so many good things about it. seems right up my alley...hehe.

the third??? a new "halley's bible handbook". it's a guide full of historical and archeological facts to go along with my studying. oh my gosh, it's like candy. :)

Going Aussie...

there's a new show on hulu.com that i can't stop watching. it's not actually because it's the best show in the world...it's only so-so. the reason...oh my goodness...is because it's full of aussies AND aussie accents!!!! i could listen ALLLLLLLLL day long. :)

so, this girl is off for another episode...'sea patrol', here i come!!