Tattoo Time!

well, after much "hemming and hahing" (how in the world do you spell that?), i'm getting a tattoo. i've wanted one off and on for ages. but because of design concerns...ok, and pain concerns...i've put it off.

but now i have a partner in crime...and i'm going to do it.

so...in a few days, we have our "tattoo consultation". i need that because i have a few design questions. the cool thing is that the tattoo artist is a christian, and i've had a few friends really like the spiritual focus that he adds. i guess that's really important to me...the spiritual emphasis...because my tattoo is very spiritual for me. hah!...i'm wondering what's not...hehe.

what i really want is an opening rose. that is significant to me because of a quote i read by anais nin which said, "then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." it's been the story of my life...

but i want a bit more than that...i want light to be shining somehow out of the inside of the rose. that has to do with imago dei. there's real life inside me...just beaming to get out...original glory? i think so...!

from there i'm not sure where to go. i used to really want the three hebrew letters of my name to be included somehow, but i've never been happy with the scripting. so we'll see.

this guy will design it for me though, and it sounds like he'll take my "significance" part seriously..and that makes me feel really good.

holy crap, this is gonna hurt!

...And I Am Undone...

one of my really good friends met her new son this weekend. araya finally came home.

this little one is going to end up changing a lot of people, i think. his story alone is powerful...but i suspect his big life is going to teach us all something about real living.

i just cannot even begin to picture what it must have been like to be 3 siblings...little kids...who have lost their parents and now only have each other. but then add to that being split from each other because one is very sick. my heart can't even wrap itself around that. to be that one...who has to live for almost 5 years in an orphanage for sick kids...seeing others leave...seeing others die...not knowing if it'll be your turn next...for either outcome.

but then to find one day that a man has come to take you with him...a new dad. and he's come to reunite you with your brother and sister who are missing you so terribly. and then that moment!!!...when you see each other...

i am absolutely undone...

his name in amharic (ethiopian language) means "example". and already the gracious and contemplative countenance of this young man is teaching me.

so...today he has me thinking about loving BIG. no matter the circumstance or person. no matter if you "get" nothing in return. no matter if you get spit on. no matter what. touch the "untouchable". forgive the "unforgivable". live "messy beautiful"...

See...Swedes are Creative!

much thanks to my bro-in-law dave for showing me this! it's a song written by a swedish (go ancestors!) band in the 80's...and here's the kicker...the whole album was written in a made-up language. leave it to a meatball!

Meet Charlotte Chanel!!!

k, so she's not real. but with a little imagination, she ranks right up there. :)

in a previous blog i wrote about my dashed hopes of someday getting a 'tea cup' pot belly pig. too much money and care for my schedule. well, my niece jerus and i were shopping for a birthday present for one of her friends, and she found my precious 'charlotte chanel' just waiting for us to find her.

we immediately "adopted" her, complete with batteries. and now she scrunches her adorable nose, wiggles her little tail, and snorts.

the rest is history...but not without my dorky pics. :) i guess we celebrate EVERYTHING around here!

oh...and in case you wondering...yes, she loves me too! can't you just see it? ;)

We Passed!

oh my goodness...the driver's permit test.

i've been being "mom" while deb is away. two of my three nieces have been staying me, which has been a little stressful at times but mostly great.

well, sarah, my oldest niece, reached the age of "driving". (that, of course, makes me feel about 80 years old...) when deb left, sarah was beginning her second week of driver's education. tons of notes, tons of highlighted phrases, paragraphs and pages...but as english is not sarah's first language, there were many challenges. she had many memorized facts but little understanding of meanings. so we spent many moments explaining the words in her rule book...i.e. a curb is not the same as a curve...and then building the facts on some understanding. boy, is she a trooper!

so when she finished the course, she was determined to take the permit test IMMEDIATELY. i was a little worried because there were so many comprehension issues, but even more than that, i was terrified that she'd fail. my heart just wanted all her hard work to pay off ASAP.

but...the first try was 2 questions short. grrr! so we had a bit of a downer.

but! we "sarah's" never surrender! we whipped out the driver's ed book and reviewed just about every tiny question that she may have had.

and on try #2...she did it!

it was so precious! she came running out with her hugest smile EVER and did a little dance in the hallway. i, of course, started to tear up...dang my default response...but we celebrated BIG TIME!

and then we made it official at the government center!!!

yes, my niece that is seemingly 7-yrs-old in my mind...can...drive! (pause for a fainting spell).

Goodbyes

i've been thinking about "goodbyes" lately. i've experienced some...have had friends experience others too. and i'll be honest...goodbyes are REALLY HARD FOR ME! (sorry, just a momentary freak-out...)

i've recently had a couple goodbyes that were such a relief...like a huge "FINALLY". but the kicker that i've found is that...if we are real...even an exit doesn't eliminate some of the hard feelings. i.e. even though the pressure may be less, the drama may be next to nothing, we have to face the tough stuff. if only it were as easy as a change in proximity...:) i guess even in these scenarios there's got to be a letting go...of the resentments. an invitation to clean house.

then there are the goodbyes that make you remember the good things...make you miss those times...those special people. realizing that you know more color in your lifescape because of their coming. that you had less heart before you met. that there really are fields of lightning bugs and new days with the sun always rising. difficult to let go but nonetheless 'tis life with an open hand.

but you know what i've been realizing...i love the 'feeling' life. to be able to deal with the anger of some goodbyes and the sorrow of others...the messiness of the passionate heart far outweighs the order, the sterility, of the stoic.

Apparently it isn't pot!!!

i bought my house about 3.5 years ago, i guess. one of the previous owners was a gardener, so it's been fun to find plants in all kinds of places...and then wait to see what they are! so i found these bushes (more like stringy little stick plants) in the back yard...and i've been suspecting for a loooong time that they might be pot. what can i say???..if you knew the rest of the house's history, it wouldn't shock you either! well, it turns out that my botanical identification skills are VERY lacking...the suspected pot plant...bloomed! it's a peony! hahahahaha! and boy, is it beautiful!

Hello???...Tar!

ok, seriously...see what i mean about tar? oh my word! i just want to find me a man, move there and pitch a tent, put up a lemonade stand and never leave.

(huge thanks to dan and kristi for the forward!)

Why don't we just call it what it is?

it's a great gift when we aren't able to feed the beast any longer. that chill, that sneaking plague of discontent. for a time...and with great skill...we tend to try to fix this almost immediately and continuously by identifying all of the items that could be causing the disconnect.

i've done this in classic form. made my "churning" about people who won't do this or that...or who would. all of the "if only's" that in the end are just "only's". the greener pastures that ended up being fertilized with tons of sh##.

i've also been the "reason" or "excuse" before. the "why" to other people's "why am i not happy?" question...

but i've been finding lately...that's it's really not about all that.

sorry...it's true.

i say this because generally...over the course of our lives...as our excuses run out...as we eliminate the less-than-ideal people, places, things and ideas...the angst still remains...creeps back in. and the reason??...it was a heart question the whole time. a question that sought it's answer...it's life...from externals...and never found it there. why?...because the life that the heart starves for is not found...ever...in those things.

i'm starting to wonder if it's not so much finding the things "that make your heart come alive". maybe it's more about standing up and letting the life out...spring the cage, so to speak. not so much waiting for something outside ourselves to flip the switch and "poof" there's life!...and not so much blaming the things that don't do that for us. it's recongnizing that there's real life there...divine life...and maybe even making peace with it's presence there (if you are at all like me having thought it needed to be accumulated through good behavior and the like). i guess i'm in a spot where i'm presupposing the presence of life in one's heart...assuming it's there thrashing at the hinges of the cage door...very puzzled at the locks.

locks that have to do with me...not them. locks that are actually on the inside of the door.

but so many of us accept a kind of facade of "real life"...locked life...blaming the discontent on stuff... afraid of asking if there could be something more internal... no, no, seeming control in our tuperware playgrounds is preferrable to the wild and dangerous frontier. hah!...a land where we are called to daily die...to our futile attempts to create life...so that we can really live.

and so it's at this point that we must stop to consider...because of what it's NOT about, is it that the release of life is somehow being hindered by an unanswered question?...a flesh-imposed lock. is there even a real sense of authentic life there in the first place? and am i really ready to find out?

risky business...but there's beauty, strength, intimacy and adventure on the other side of the true answer.

and here's the blessing...it frees us to be people who actually bring life to our difficult relationships and circumstances...rather than expect it from them. frees us to bring our calling to the roles and assignments...even if it's garbage detail. fueled from within...pouring out...

just something i've been pondering in my own angst lately. wondering if it's a part of other's too...

A Sweet Committee!

one of the things i really enjoy is being on committees for cool projects. i don't especially enjoy one's for projects that end up almost killing me in the end...i.e. lakestock (although it was fun in places)...but other ones??? oh man, i'm in heaven. and lately it's been such a fun experience to be on committees with people.

one aspect that i really enjoy with committees that really "click" is that people with a host of unique talents pick up pieces that fit them and totally run with it. and it all comes out so splendidly in the end with everyone feeling great about their part. that's what happened with the princess party. each person picked up a specialty and made it shine. wow!

so this summer i get to work on a committee that's a super great cause. a great friend of mine is adopting the sibling of two of her previously adopted kids. he couldn't come then because he's medically fragile...but now he can! so in order to hold a family of 8!!!...and address his special needs, a local architect has drawn up plans for an addition to their home. it's going to be awesome!

so, cheers to awesome co-committee members! here we go!

oh...and of course, if you are interested in more information...or in giving!!...let me know. (yes, begging is not beneath me...) :)

The Real Me

i ran acrossed this clip. i could so relate to the lyrics. made me look back and remember how thankful i am for god...always moving me to the "real me". :)

note: a couple places of artistic nudity. so maybe not for everyone. the shots are actually pretty incredible...made me think of my own 'captivating' journey...but that's a whole different blog...and probably not one for the "legalists"...hehe!



Foolish heart looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break
How much will they take before I'm empty
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a Charade, always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence
But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

But you see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

And you love me just as I am
Wonderful, Beautiful is what you see
When you look at me

Dashed Pot Belly Pig Dream

it's not a huge secret that i love pigs. ever since 'babe', i just have a special place in my heart for little pigs. hence, many, many adorable little pink pig toys at my house. i even will frequent the phrase "that'll do pig" to my loved ones...which causes confusion on occasion and potential conflict...but it's such an adorable encouragement. (i know...i'm sounding a little off...hehe.)

well, i started dreaming of owning my very own miniature pot bellied pig...the big ones can be a little terrifying. and when i found out that they make a 'tea cup' breed...yes, a super tiny little pig...i was almost in heaven. my nieces and rachel and i decided on a name even...charlotte chanel (yes, after the perfume).

but alas...research has dashed my hopes for a little pig. i'm still not home enough to care for one. so, my mini-pot belly pig dream is on hold again. maybe forever...BUT, i learned that there's a local lady who sells them so maybe a field trip is in order...then i can just hold a tiny little pig...and then it might poop on me...and the dream would officially die. ;)

Hmm...

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing were a miracle.
The other is as if everything is.

-Albert Einstein

Higher!

so...there was a song that came up when we were practicing at FH on saturday, but none of us could remember what it was. it was bugging me and bugging me...i actually had this feeling that it somehow hit the nail on the head as to some of the stuff i've been feeling lately (see the 'remembering' blog below). so i hunted and hunted...and finally found it today.

the cool thing is...it's not just a wish anymore. the "dreams"...my experiences with the 'deeper deep'...are fueling me more and more. a fire in the heart can't help but blaze into all areas of life. and granted i'm still messing it all up CONSTANTLY...but falling on my arse still lands me in his hand.

song and lyrics below...



"Higher"

When dreaming I'm guided to another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
'Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place'
Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape
From the life I live when I'm awake
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But, my friend, I'd sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the Earth and my dreams the same
The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So let's go there
Let's make our escape
Come on, let's go there
Let's ask can we stay?

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

So lets go there, lets go there,
Come on, lets go there
Lets ask can we stay?

Up high I feel like I'm alive for the very first time
Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine
Set up high I'm strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

Can you take me Higher?
To a place where blind men see
Can you take me Higher?
To a place with golden streets

HAHAHAHA...loving it!

i had the most fun with my friend jody yesterday... HAHAHAHAHAHA! oh my gosh...to give all the details would be a tinsy bit embarassing...but let's just say these few things..."80's", "air band", "gangsta", "charlie's angels"...oh man, hilarious!

i can't wait to see her pictures!!!!

she introduced me to this song called "shake it"...and needless to say, one mad "dancing when no one's around" session happened at my house last night.

just goes to show...the mind may fail...the bod will prune...but...this gal's never getting old! :)

Remembering...

every now and then it helps to talk to someone who "gets" some of the crazy things i've been experiencing. if you haven't noticed already...or seen the word 'mystic' in my site title...my faith is VERY experiential. i call it the "realer real" and the "deeper deep". there just really is a different realm out there where hearts are unhindered and free.

in a previous blog i wrote about some worship times that have lead to a really awesome experience...playing 'hide and seek' with god. a place of joy, contentment, peace. and playing that game with god is so hilarious...he knows exactly where i am...but it's the sheer pleasure of being found. waiting with such expectancy that at any moment he's going to surprise me...or i'll get to find him.

coming back from those moments has been a different story altogether. almost despair.

at the same time i've found my heart singing a song that says "heaven is in my heart"...but it's been hard for me to translate that into the reality of life.

so, here i was feeling all alone in that...a special "delight" in the "deep" with the harsh experience of the fleshly reality to follow...and i get a call from ryan. and duh...i should have known that he just might be able to relate....and surprise!!!...he could. :) it felt so very good to talk about something so dear to my heart and not feel...well, insane, for starters...or evaluated. in fact, ryan asked if what i was feeling was like "home". oh man...that was it. in those wonderful places of 'hide and seek'...i felt "home".

and because of the despair that i was battling following this sense of "leaving home" when the worship was over, he encouraged me to read john 15. i've been pouring over it actually..."abide in me, and i will abide in you". this from jesus who knew the reality of heaven...had to leave it to come here...yet somehow lived with that connection in his heart...maybe a fountain in actuality.

and so i've been pondering "how then shall i live?"...here...when my heart is elsewhere. and how can i not have so much the sense of leaving "home"...but living with "home" in my heart.

by the way...another cool thing that has happened since that conversation...i met my friend jen for coffee the other day...and as it turns out, she too has also had these strange experiences. and she also referred to "abiding"!!!...so, i'll keep meditating on that! but another very interesting thing that she noticed was that the feeling of despair could also very likely be similar to the longing that god's heart has for "home" with us. and i thought that was a beautiful picture of god's heart.

and so...in considering all this...i've been reminded of the movie 'chariots of fire'. the story of eric liddell is so powerful. he knows god has made him for a purpose...and one of those is to run fast...and he says that when he runs he feels god's pleasure. it's so wonderful because as he runs you can see him...his heart...just move into experiencing god...his head goes back, his hands go free. it's beautiful.

and i don't aim to be a runner...but i've been made to glorify him...feel his pleasure...in other ways...and i can't wait for more of the overflow...:)

My Pink Does It Again...

sorry...what can i say...i just like her...'specially the last third of the song. :)

Grrrr...

i'm sooooooo disappointed! i got an email today from ransomedheart.com that the 'captivating' retreat is cancelled. i was going to go in october with my sister, and then i was going to stop in a visit my lovely college-friend sarah. dang it all!

the book was and continues to be one of the most life-changing reads i've ever had...that and 'waking the dead'. the reason is that both introduced me to a wild, heart-awakening god...i'll just never be the same.

it's been on my heart to somehow be released more into heart-type ministry. god's given me opportunities here and there, and more importantly continues to romance me in this breath-taking journey...i just want more opportunities to invite others into that too. and i guess i was hoping that going to this retreat would give me more insight into how a heart-retreat is run....grrr!

i'm guessing god has a different plan. i just can't wait to see what he does!

Heart Sounds...

i've been getting into some classical music lately, especially operas with the tenor voice. i have to laugh because my musical flavor is so random. i'm a gal that absolutely loves drums...but a pure voice is so moving too.

anyway, i stumbled across this tune when i was researching the "ten tenors". it's actually a song that was used in the movie "the gladiator"...insert note: LOVE it...and it moves me to tears every time i listen. it's just so passionate, beautiful...culminating in such sweet peace. between the rhythm and pure vocals...it's like what the musical of my heart would sound like...at least the movie version for sure!

so, here's the movie version and the 'ten tenor' version. stick with the tenor one...at around 2 minutes a pure tenor voice just takes over. it's really quite powerful. i have to just sit back and close my eyes...and enjoy.

Haunted by Eden...

do you ever feel haunted by eden? i heard someone talk about that once, and it really fit for me. i've been reading about adam and eve in "searching for god knows what". wow...walking with god like that. it makes me really homesick for the big "g". maybe that sounds strange. it's just been lonely lately...having things happen in my heart and really only a handful that i can share that with. too many boxes and evaluations all over the place...causes a heart to wonder if heaven could be sooner than later. and that statement isn't remotely a christian suicide wish...ha! noooo...it's just that i can't wait for the day when we can all really be who we were meant to be...without all the hype, drama, sin...all that jazz. the shallow life just doesn't fit for this heart anymore...

is there anyone out there that really wants to be more than the shadows we often choose to dwell in? we define ourselves too small...and let the flesh set the parameters for living. but life in the garden...the great adventure...grand intimacy...hearts on fire...i want that. and i want to find people who want to go there too. freedom, not sin management. adventure, not plodding.

and the thing is...my heart feels that. when i worship lately, my heart feels like it's being lifted, carried...drawn...to something else. and if i linger long enough...i'm playing 'hide and seek' with god. it's just that he always knows where i am. but there's still so much joy there that it doesn't matter if my hiding efforts are in vain. it's just delightful fun...together.

and i want to stay there so badly. i want to play there with friends. but...

it probably doesn't help that the nail is in the coffin with the bff. it ended with me just having to be true to a commitment...if only i wasn't so hung up on responsibility, i could have been a spineless bailer a long time ago. i'm not sure how i feel about that exactly. maybe a little relieved that the bandaid has ripped but probably a little sad that i was the filler afterall... man, i hope there's a story for me someday that's more than just the role of the "extra". but...que sera sera! i will say that i'm realizing that i'm stronger than i thought. it's a hard thing to keep on keeping on week after week, not being able to say what the heart wants...just being obedient to zipping the lip and letting the grip go.

probably a void there that only god can fill...which is really such good news.

so today...i'm feeling lonely. and i can only say that i think i feel like carrie in the final episode of 'sex in the city'. finally checking out of the hotel room of a life that she wasn't meant for...going who knows where...but definitely not back.

The Jury Duty Journal

june is jury-duty month for me! the ironic thing is that i actually was wondering one day who in the world gets called up and how unlikely it would be that i get selected. i should probably guard my wonderings a bit more...the very next week i received my "notice".

so i made an appearance at the court house on monday...was somehow randomly selected for the first round pick...was then surprisingly chosen for juror "interrogation"...and then...i actually made it to the 6-person jury! i'm so shocked that i got that far!

aside from the fact that waiting sucks...as does being sequestered!!!!...i have to say that i am so very thankful to live in this country where anyone has a right to this process. it's actually pretty profound. so my "proud to be an american" song is playing a little louder than usual. :)

here's what is harder than i thought though...actually sending someone to jail! i sat there watching this person who seemed so lost and knowing that it's my job to "judge" them. where's the guarantee that they'll choose to get help? there isn't... and then the fact that all i wanted was to lean over the railing and say, "hey, there's more to life than this! there's hope! there's freedom!" so...i chose to pray for him.

which, by the way, i have to say that this whole ordeal gifted me a major "exhale"...full circle moment. the defendant looked EXACTLY like a friend that passed away years ago. it...was ...unreal. i was staring at a 45-50-yr-old slade. i actually had to force myself to NOT stare...the resemblance was uncanny. i had an intercessory relationship with him when he was alive. if you ever need a story involving some crazy spiritual/prayer stuff...let me know! but part of me didn't know how to deal with that connection while it was all going down, and i became very attached to him. so when he died, in addition to all the questions about why god would take him so early, i experienced a real grievous anger that god would take him away from me. i literally prayed for death. however, i should tell you that slade really struggled when he was alive. as a youngster, his heart had a real passion for god, but he just got nailed as he grew...and fell into alcohol, sex, pride. but right before he died, he actually found himself...god actually...was so tired and wanted to come home. i just didn't realize that god's plan for "home" was different than mine.

so...fast forward to monday...

here i am...looking at the person he could have been...and i was (still am) so aware that god took slade home for him. it was a precious gift. not to be a horrible god. not to rob me. not even to rob slade. he gave him the real life he was made for...just a lot sooner than most of us.

i exhaled.

isn't it strange how god uses random events to minister to our own hearts? years and years later...even after tons of work to give things up, snap cords, build trust...god still gives jewels of "i'm good", "i'm love", "i was there" and "i'm here".

Pro-Pink

for those of you that don't know who this lady is...her name is 'pink' and she's a singer. she's most likely not for the skittish...or the extremely proper. she sings what she thinks...tells it like it is (or is to her).

and i absolutely love her passion...even when it's aimed in bizarre directions sometimes.

and i especially love listening to her music...when i'm ticked! oh man...makes things seem like someone else knows.


the first song i heard from her was "like a pill"...and it was amazing. i'd never heard anyone sing like that. and since i was in a phase of reducing my "making people into pills" quotient...it fit.

and then "trouble"!!!! hahahahahahaha! what can i say?...

the next song i heard from her was "most girls". it so resonated with me because i too was not into "needing a man" to be complete. just looking for "real love"...with a guy who also knows where the wind in his sails comes from.


then there was "who knew"...it's about losing someone you love. you know what?...her gutteral voice just takes it up a notch...makes words more than just words. powerful, experiential...love it.

i think what i admire about her most is that she's not trying to be like everyone else. she's fit but not anorexic...just a healthy looking gal. she doesn't do even one thing just because it's what everyone else does...or what is expected. she moves to the beat of her own drum...amazing.

and yes...she's not always straight-laced...and yes...she's sometimes inappropriate. but i really respect how she lives out loud....with the volume cranked.



(i can't get more of her videos to embed...but if you are looking for some shocking/"yikes" music videos...check youtube.com...at your own risk.)

What'd I Do?

do you ever feel like you're being punished for something, but have absolutely no idea what you did? i've been having that impression lately and have no idea what to do about it. it may be that i just will never understand some people and how they tick, but it sure would be nice once in a great while to have words/actions make sense.

every now and then i wonder if it's the plan to make me spin a little. but why that would be makes no sense to me...especially because i wouldn't want to do that to others. so...is it true that we never really make it out of junior high? i don't know...at least they can circle "yes" or "no" on the little "are you mad at me?" notes...

the only thing i can do is let it go...i've been realizing. sometimes the answers just don't and won't come...no matter how much you try or want them to. i'm finding that prayer is a good option. at least it calms my heart in the fields of question marks.

Finally Graduating...

the class of 2008 has FINALLY graduated.

i'm totally exhausted...a little relieved...and a little sad.

but, i'll have to say first that it wasn't an awful year...note that "awful" ranks along the lines of maggot-infested pustules. man oh man...this crew gave us all a run for our money.

the cool thing...i hope they'll realize some day...was that their commencement had a huge message vein weaving it's way through. all of us...referred to the same desire that god had for them...to live a "with-god" life. when i was praying about it, the words i kept hearing to share with them were to "start happening to the battle" rather than just let the battle happen to them. so i coupled that with living a life of honor...kneeling before our king and letting him stand us up under his hand. now that's real living...beyond our wildest dreams for abundance. the ironic thing about humbling ourselves is that the choice to offer our lives to him is the only way to become most fully human. to not is to spend our lives as shadows of what we could have been. it's giving god the wheel...as brian said...so that he can give it back to you. amazing. i really pray their hearts will be open to that as life throws it's curve balls.

but focusing on the challenges is not going to be my way to remember them. wow...a few really made some amazing strides in the last months even, and for them i'm so very excited. deep realizations that will leave a heart-mark, i'm sure.

take this guy...just about the sweetest kid in the world. life has not been a bed of roses for this one. his father abandoned him and his family when he was very little. his mom then raised them on her own...with total leaning on god for survival. and then she passed away a few years ago. my cousins took him in a couple years ago so he could go to school with his "school family". and you know what he told me the other day???...not what you'd expect from someone with so many losses...he told me that he's so aware of how god has rescued him over the years. (students teach their teachers so much sometimes....)

so...i've got some huge hopes for this crew. some for major life lessons to come quickly...others to find more and more of what they've already been discovering.

as for me...i'm taking a vacation!

A Passion for Asphalt

only a few people know about my fanatical interest in long stretches of brand new, smooth asphalt...no cracks, no potholes...just bliss. i love it! i've actually become a bit of a connoisseur.

on a road trip to canada with my college roommates, sarah and voj, i found an unbelievable stretch that was actually pink in color...miles and miles of unbelieveable chroma-tar!

my favorite for many years was this strip in the cities where hwy 100 merged off of hwy 494. it was a like a huge, black tongue of asphalt wonder. the years since have not been so kind to that one...and i had to remove it from my list. so tragic.

but today i went in search of a newly laid local patch that i'd heard about from some trusted sources...and i was so disappointed!!!! whoever laid it did so in 24-ft sections (no, i didn't officially measure...haha!). i can understand that for concrete...but asphalt??...how insulting!

so...the search for more perfection continues...