Why don't we just call it what it is?

it's a great gift when we aren't able to feed the beast any longer. that chill, that sneaking plague of discontent. for a time...and with great skill...we tend to try to fix this almost immediately and continuously by identifying all of the items that could be causing the disconnect.

i've done this in classic form. made my "churning" about people who won't do this or that...or who would. all of the "if only's" that in the end are just "only's". the greener pastures that ended up being fertilized with tons of sh##.

i've also been the "reason" or "excuse" before. the "why" to other people's "why am i not happy?" question...

but i've been finding lately...that's it's really not about all that.

sorry...it's true.

i say this because generally...over the course of our lives...as our excuses run out...as we eliminate the less-than-ideal people, places, things and ideas...the angst still remains...creeps back in. and the reason??...it was a heart question the whole time. a question that sought it's answer...it's life...from externals...and never found it there. why?...because the life that the heart starves for is not found...ever...in those things.

i'm starting to wonder if it's not so much finding the things "that make your heart come alive". maybe it's more about standing up and letting the life out...spring the cage, so to speak. not so much waiting for something outside ourselves to flip the switch and "poof" there's life!...and not so much blaming the things that don't do that for us. it's recongnizing that there's real life there...divine life...and maybe even making peace with it's presence there (if you are at all like me having thought it needed to be accumulated through good behavior and the like). i guess i'm in a spot where i'm presupposing the presence of life in one's heart...assuming it's there thrashing at the hinges of the cage door...very puzzled at the locks.

locks that have to do with me...not them. locks that are actually on the inside of the door.

but so many of us accept a kind of facade of "real life"...locked life...blaming the discontent on stuff... afraid of asking if there could be something more internal... no, no, seeming control in our tuperware playgrounds is preferrable to the wild and dangerous frontier. hah!...a land where we are called to daily die...to our futile attempts to create life...so that we can really live.

and so it's at this point that we must stop to consider...because of what it's NOT about, is it that the release of life is somehow being hindered by an unanswered question?...a flesh-imposed lock. is there even a real sense of authentic life there in the first place? and am i really ready to find out?

risky business...but there's beauty, strength, intimacy and adventure on the other side of the true answer.

and here's the blessing...it frees us to be people who actually bring life to our difficult relationships and circumstances...rather than expect it from them. frees us to bring our calling to the roles and assignments...even if it's garbage detail. fueled from within...pouring out...

just something i've been pondering in my own angst lately. wondering if it's a part of other's too...