Haunted by Eden...

do you ever feel haunted by eden? i heard someone talk about that once, and it really fit for me. i've been reading about adam and eve in "searching for god knows what". wow...walking with god like that. it makes me really homesick for the big "g". maybe that sounds strange. it's just been lonely lately...having things happen in my heart and really only a handful that i can share that with. too many boxes and evaluations all over the place...causes a heart to wonder if heaven could be sooner than later. and that statement isn't remotely a christian suicide wish...ha! noooo...it's just that i can't wait for the day when we can all really be who we were meant to be...without all the hype, drama, sin...all that jazz. the shallow life just doesn't fit for this heart anymore...

is there anyone out there that really wants to be more than the shadows we often choose to dwell in? we define ourselves too small...and let the flesh set the parameters for living. but life in the garden...the great adventure...grand intimacy...hearts on fire...i want that. and i want to find people who want to go there too. freedom, not sin management. adventure, not plodding.

and the thing is...my heart feels that. when i worship lately, my heart feels like it's being lifted, carried...drawn...to something else. and if i linger long enough...i'm playing 'hide and seek' with god. it's just that he always knows where i am. but there's still so much joy there that it doesn't matter if my hiding efforts are in vain. it's just delightful fun...together.

and i want to stay there so badly. i want to play there with friends. but...

it probably doesn't help that the nail is in the coffin with the bff. it ended with me just having to be true to a commitment...if only i wasn't so hung up on responsibility, i could have been a spineless bailer a long time ago. i'm not sure how i feel about that exactly. maybe a little relieved that the bandaid has ripped but probably a little sad that i was the filler afterall... man, i hope there's a story for me someday that's more than just the role of the "extra". but...que sera sera! i will say that i'm realizing that i'm stronger than i thought. it's a hard thing to keep on keeping on week after week, not being able to say what the heart wants...just being obedient to zipping the lip and letting the grip go.

probably a void there that only god can fill...which is really such good news.

so today...i'm feeling lonely. and i can only say that i think i feel like carrie in the final episode of 'sex in the city'. finally checking out of the hotel room of a life that she wasn't meant for...going who knows where...but definitely not back.