Remembering...

every now and then it helps to talk to someone who "gets" some of the crazy things i've been experiencing. if you haven't noticed already...or seen the word 'mystic' in my site title...my faith is VERY experiential. i call it the "realer real" and the "deeper deep". there just really is a different realm out there where hearts are unhindered and free.

in a previous blog i wrote about some worship times that have lead to a really awesome experience...playing 'hide and seek' with god. a place of joy, contentment, peace. and playing that game with god is so hilarious...he knows exactly where i am...but it's the sheer pleasure of being found. waiting with such expectancy that at any moment he's going to surprise me...or i'll get to find him.

coming back from those moments has been a different story altogether. almost despair.

at the same time i've found my heart singing a song that says "heaven is in my heart"...but it's been hard for me to translate that into the reality of life.

so, here i was feeling all alone in that...a special "delight" in the "deep" with the harsh experience of the fleshly reality to follow...and i get a call from ryan. and duh...i should have known that he just might be able to relate....and surprise!!!...he could. :) it felt so very good to talk about something so dear to my heart and not feel...well, insane, for starters...or evaluated. in fact, ryan asked if what i was feeling was like "home". oh man...that was it. in those wonderful places of 'hide and seek'...i felt "home".

and because of the despair that i was battling following this sense of "leaving home" when the worship was over, he encouraged me to read john 15. i've been pouring over it actually..."abide in me, and i will abide in you". this from jesus who knew the reality of heaven...had to leave it to come here...yet somehow lived with that connection in his heart...maybe a fountain in actuality.

and so i've been pondering "how then shall i live?"...here...when my heart is elsewhere. and how can i not have so much the sense of leaving "home"...but living with "home" in my heart.

by the way...another cool thing that has happened since that conversation...i met my friend jen for coffee the other day...and as it turns out, she too has also had these strange experiences. and she also referred to "abiding"!!!...so, i'll keep meditating on that! but another very interesting thing that she noticed was that the feeling of despair could also very likely be similar to the longing that god's heart has for "home" with us. and i thought that was a beautiful picture of god's heart.

and so...in considering all this...i've been reminded of the movie 'chariots of fire'. the story of eric liddell is so powerful. he knows god has made him for a purpose...and one of those is to run fast...and he says that when he runs he feels god's pleasure. it's so wonderful because as he runs you can see him...his heart...just move into experiencing god...his head goes back, his hands go free. it's beautiful.

and i don't aim to be a runner...but i've been made to glorify him...feel his pleasure...in other ways...and i can't wait for more of the overflow...:)