every area of my life pie has been spinning lately. "stress" has been the understatement of the year. i am certainly aware of god's provision through family and friends that have kindly allowed me to process things through...a god-send! but, as things have continued, i've found myself with less and less rest in my inner being.
i've been running on fumes.
it is interesting...my pride...how i really think that i need to take care of myself, circumstances, and people. somehow i must think i do a better job than god sometimes. at least, i notice that on occasion.
the other evening...after a busy week...i was getting ready to go to the next thing. it was a two-day seminar that was going to be unbelievable, but i was supposed to be facilitating a small group. well, with all my running around lately, i was just so maxed out inside that i was struggling to muster the strength to keep on going...and then to be available to give to someone else if god was speaking something to them??? burnt out! well, in the hours before i had to leave my computer that had my thesis on it (not backed up) had a major fit. LITERALLY RIGHT BEFORE I WAS GOING!! i almost lost my paper in an effort to repair the computer. thankfully, the tech was able to get the problem fixed without losing it.
but it left me completely undone.
so, i decided to tell god the obvious...that i was trying to run my life and work out the stresses in my own strength. the funny thing about god...as he's been showing me how to have a relationship with him...is that he didn't answer back that i was a stupid sinner. he said, "you know what? i made you to be cared for by me. i made you to be nurtured by me. so, it's ok to let me do that." true strength is birthed out of his care.
it was so refreshing to hear because he is so trustworthy. to a point, i've been able to trust others...and god. he's helped me grow so much in that. but every now and then, i still entertain the fear that people will bail on me when i'm already down and remind myself of times that has happened...which of course would also indicate that i hold god in suspect too. but that fear only fuels a self-sufficiency that i was not made for. it robs me of a soft vulnerability that leads to life in him and openness to others. it taints my view of people and even leads me to hold my heart out to users and takers as if they have the answer. (a weird twist).
so i've been taking some moments in the midst of the madness to just sit and let it be true that god is the nurturer of my spirit.
and the truth is...he's the answer to all of it. whatever comes, he will walk with me right through it. what's better than that?
No comments:
Post a Comment